Jesus and me had a thing for awhile, and man did we ever have a messy, ugly break up. There was name calling -- me saying he was a fraud, him yelling at me that I would go to hell if we broke up. There was a lot passion there, though, and like all romantic fools, I kept taking him back again and again -- even after he broke all kinds of promises, was always contradicting himself, and, worse yet, he was always going out and starting wars and shit. He is one of those lovers who just wants your whole soul, you know? I mean, he told me it was a sin to even look at another deity. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to look? It's not like we were praying together or anything, but there was no telling that wrathful god much of anything.
I can take a lot from someone I love, but I knew it was over when I heard about how he went and started the crusades, and then led that witch hunt in europe and backed up colonialism.... well, you can imagine how this relationship would look to dr phil.
The weirdest thing about me and Jesus break up is how people are always tellling me to get back into a relationship with the guy.
He also changes his name a lot, too, which is suspicious? Sometimes he calls himself allah, sometimes buddha... the list is just about endless. I came across a bunch of fake id's one day and there were hundreds.
I have to admit, in the end, I used him. I only called him when I needed something. I mean, I gave him a lot of praise and built up his self esteem, but that wasn't enough. Did I mention he was carrying on affairs behind my back with a good portion of the world?
So please, if Jesus has sold you on the idea of 'taking you to heaven,' or something, listen to someone who knows -- that dude is a full of shit fraud.
The mighty hamster army is almost ready to replace the failed star wars progrom with
kamakaizee hamsters, who will fly up into any nuclear bombs headed toward the elves attic, and blow them up safely out over the Lake.
The hamsters up here, as I say, in what you humans seem to percieve of as a purely mental dimension that is quite possibly chemically inflated, the hamsters are all ready. Thousands of them are alert and ready to fly off at the first sign me or m or the pup or the kitty bum are in the least bit of danger of being bombed.
On the physical dimension that I share with the smelly humans, the results of my work have not been quite so stunning.
Today I set up four pilots and told them that bombs actually were headed for the elf. I expected them to rush off to save me. I mean, , I have been filling them up on the idea of a heaven, drilling them on how I am next to god and they better do what I tell them, and all sorts of other crap that is required to properly brain wash an army into doing anything -- including the ultimate sacrifice... They should have responded like speed freakin japs in ww 2.
Instead of flying off for the bombs, though,
they decided to sacrifice themselves rather than save me. I can only assume that they were all plants from some dark power that is creeping over the land, as sauron out of mordor.... probably from someone either in government or industry who stands to lose power or money if star wars is ever just scrapped for something crazy -- like peace.
I could not believe it when I saw them developing velocity in the last few feet and literally exploding into red balls of unraveling intestines and other related blood and gore. Oh yes, like Star Wars, there have been problems.
M. just came home... Oh, great, she walked in the door, came up to the computer and is now glarring at me and the words coming up on the screen.
So let me add, I may or may not be responsible for the hamsters splattered about in the courtyard of our apartment building.
Oh, here it comes...
M: "Why are there bloody, crushed hamsters glued to paper airplanes all over the courtyard?"
"Those are not my hamsters."
"Oh, yea, and where are those hamsters you got?"
"My great storm of a fighting force is training in the ... I can't divulge that information. A lot of stuff to do with my army has to remain top secret, M., I mean, you're not exactly the type to stand up to torture, you know?"
"I won't listen to one more word of your babbling until you clean up the courtyard."
Luckily, I was prepared for this contingency. I held off feeding the mighty red ruby dog both breakfest and dinner. She has really developed quite a taste for hamster due to the often rebbellious nature of the mighty hamster army (I really need a better, more heavily adgetived name). Hamsters are not easy to train, believe me. I lecture and lecture, of course, doing my best. Because, like they say to the kids, if you do your best, everything will work out just like you want it to.
PressA weaponized robot, known as SWORDS, will be the first armed robotic vehicle to see combat.
The new york times has a great article about how combat robot research is getting some long bucks in the military budget. This has lead me to think of... robot hamsters!!!
I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I can even make large hamsters, like ten foot ones... this here world better start trembling now, because I WILL TAKE OVER!!!
here's the facts, jack...
quote: "The Pentagon predicts that robots will be a major fighting force in the American military in less than a decade, hunting and killing enemies in combat. Robots are a crucial part of the Army's effort to rebuild itself as a 21st-century fighting force, and a $127 billion project called Future Combat Systems is the biggest military contract in American history.
The military plans to invest tens of billions of dollars in automated armed forces. The costs of that transformation will help drive the Defense Department's budget up almost 20 percent, from a requested $419.3 billion for next year to $502.3 billion in 2010, excluding the costs of war. The annual costs of buying new weapons is scheduled to rise 52 percent, from $78 billion to $118.6 billion."
What these military types don't realize is that hamsters are more effective, because they can get in close, all secret like, and then attack... unlike these ugly robots, which will make the targets run off and possibly get away. Terrorists can't resist a furry little sidekick to help pass those long hours hiding out in holes in the ground and often stuffy safe houses... and neither can most world leaders... especially hamsters trained to come off ultra cute, smart and slavishly controllable.
Yea, when I rise, like Aragon, and take back the throne of my fathers fathers fathers... you had better just bet that you want to be on my side... because if not... well, okay, to tell the truth..... I could never really hurt anybody who wasn't attacking me or mine,
so what will really happen when Paintopia comes to life is that I'll just forgive you all in the end. Okay? We'll smoke kind bud in our peace pipes and munch nachos and sip coca-cola and tea and poke fun at ourselves... You know, work it out like equals and go for a peaceful solution that balances the needs of the many with the rights of the individual. Really. I won't just do whatever the hell I want, even if that is what people who know me will inevitably tell you.... like M.
My own dear M. thinks that if I was in power... well, to quote her poseinous words, She knows just how to get me, too... says, "Come on Johnny, you don't want to be around that many people. You can't lead the world if you only hang out with a cat, a dog and me and your easel and the computer... and you know you'd be unhappy with anything else, right?"
OF course she had to kiss me then. And of course she had a point.
I think, in her own sweet way, she was trying to tell me that if I convince the dog or the cat to open up lines of communications and take orders, I can cut way down on the number of human farts I have to smell during my rise to power -- she knows this is a very big concern of mine.
GILFORD TUTTLE, WHITE, CHRISTIAN, COLUMNIST.
Jesus is Buff and has a blond crew cut
Hello readers of the Elves Attic, and welcome to my new weekly column, where I hope to spread em wide for Christ!! I am very proud to introduce myself as Gilford Tuttle, white Christian warrior, savior of all white fetuses and follower of the one and true, well muscled and white, short, blonde haired Jesus H. Christ.
I am known throughout the greater Fort Wayne area as the first lay minister to object to the long haired, hippyed out versions of our Teutonic Deity, Jesus H. Christ. I am proud to say that I have in the works a t-shirt, which will show Our Son Of God as he was, is, and always shall be â€“ with a short, blonde crew cut and a strong, manly physic. God is on our side, so we will destroy all the false images of Christ that show Him looking skinny and weak with the long, curling hair of a harlot.
A prophet at my church had a vision that Satan himself designed this demeaning view or Our lord and savior, and then inserted this blasphemous seed into homosexual artists by acts of sodomy. Yes, that prophet was me, too, though I donâ€™t like to say because this is bragging; I was not top of my class, but like they said at the mail order seminary school where I paid 87.45, my handwriting is legible (donâ€™t be afraid to look this word â€˜legibleâ€™ up â€“ I had to, and I am blessed by god, as my minister said, â€˜with the ability to say words to other peopleâ€™).
I wanted to use my first column here to make you aware of the Blonde, Buff Christ Almighty, who is said to have balls as big as mountains in heaven. In the course of the next few weeks, I am going to convert you. God has told me as much in my prayers, so this is written in stone. Letâ€™s start by me repeating something that really woke them up in the pews on the day when I said this during open testimonials. â€œMy Jesus is not a satanic, hippy, Jewish homosexual! No, not my Jesus.â€� This should be enough, I am told, to convert even the most devil riddled heathen, and that it does no speaks of the immense powers of the dark, skinny, long haired Satan!!!
Let me end this with the message that I had put on buttons to hand out to my Sunday school classes, and I urge you to do the same at your church (Jesus just told me that he will be very pissed if you donâ€™t): GOD WANTS YOU TO SAY NO TO HIPPY SATANIC JEWISH HOMOSEXUAL JESUS OR HE IS GOING TO LET SATAN PAINFULLY ASS FUCK YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.
Please go in peace,
GILFORD TUTTLE, WHITE, CHRISTIAN, COLUMNIST.
HAMSTERS ARE TOO KILLERS.
I am thinking of taking in students and becoming a home schooling teacher. I will do this not out of any concern for kids or anything, of course, itâ€™s all part of my plan to become supreme commander, which is written out in no less than twenty seven spiral notebooks of 350 sheets of lined paper apiece. Changes will be swift and deadly on that dayâ€¦.
You know me, I donâ€™t care who I kill, but some folks do deserve it more than others and my sense of justice demands that they be shot first. For example, Massa jackoffyourson. There are thousands of people who would show up to shoot him, if someone with balls would pass a law that you could kill child fucking freaks. This is exactly the kind of creative solution I will bring to bear on societies problems from the lofty seat of supreme commanderdom.
I already have an armyâ€¦. well, I have some presently unruly and slightly traitorous hamsters, but they are coming along. They â€¦. Ummmâ€¦.already eat on command. And they take after their supreme commander in many, many waysâ€¦ I am proud to say that they have picked up some of Johnny Painâ€™s smooth moves too, because these little fuzz faced fucks are humping any damn thing thatâ€™s close. I may have even taught them too well. I canâ€™t even stick my hand in the cage without one of them trying to violate me.
I was sure I knew what I was doing, too, but these damn hamsters wonâ€™t follow most of my rules. I donâ€™t know where I went wrong? I started out by decimating them (killing every tenth soldier to instill discipline â€“ an oldie but a goody, when it comes to military training). I only could afford seven of them, though, so I had to pretend like I was in the other room killing a hamsterâ€¦ let me tell you, buster, I am pretty sure that I could see the fear in their eyes when I came back into the roomâ€¦
I have yet to identify a special little Rambo to be one of my generals. You would think something as important as the number two spot in a scheme for world domination would be more interesting than pellets of grass, but noâ€¦ I read them all my notes and they just sit there and act like they are not even listening.
Still, you just better watch it, like I told M., because these babies got Murder written all over them.
When I told her this, she asked me if that was why I shaved them, to write on their skin? She doesnâ€™t understand anything about aerodynamics (that hair would have slowed them down, dammit, and I wonâ€™t have it!). But that is a good idea about writing Murder all over the Hamstersâ€¦ might blow their cover, though? Hmmmâ€¦ I can already tell there will be notes scribbled about this quandaryâ€¦ lots and lots of scribbled notesâ€¦.
I am trying to face the possibility that the hamsters may only turn out to be good practice for my humans. I donâ€™t really need them. When I told M. about this she just laughed like I was joking and responded in her usual nay-sayer way, â€œOh, big surprise, you couldnâ€™t train hamsters to kill. You think I would let you have them if you couldâ€¦ wait a minute, youâ€™re not taking this shit seriously, right?â€�
Due to the somewhat disgusted look on her face when she said this, there was no way in hell I was going to tell her about how serious I am, or how many notes Iâ€™m taking, or how the hamsters will lead the kidsâ€¦. No, I just said, â€œItâ€™s just a joke.â€�
â€œDonâ€™t make me beat you down.â€�
â€œThey are hamsters, for dogs sakeâ€¦. â€œ
â€œWill you quit saying for dogs sake?â€�
â€œWith my last breath.â€�
â€œNothing. You know, I am teaching the hamsters to act all lovey-dovey. You saw them with the blow up doll?.â€�
â€œUntil they can get close enough to rip open jugulars, that was the plan, right? You are a really pathetic liar. I better not come home and find you spent the whole day messing with those hamsters. The cats are going to get them if you arenâ€™t more carefulâ€¦ By the way, why did you call my mom and ask her to sew some tiny green jackets?â€�
â€œAre you sure?â€�
â€œI think I would remember something like that.â€�
â€œWhat does that mean?â€�
â€œYou forget stuff, that is one of the side effects of your beloved herb. Tell me that you are not going to waste time with those hamsters today. Say it.â€�
â€œWell, I could spend the day thinking about penguins spinning around real fast screaming, â€˜Oh, the shits with you!!â€�
â€œYou know what, you could, couldnâ€™t you?â€�
She seemed surprised by this for some fucked up reason that I canâ€™t fathom?
â€œI canâ€™t stop these penguinsâ€¦â€� I made it out like it was a joke, but I really canâ€™t.
â€œIf you have to mess around with the hamsters, clean the cage, but donâ€™t take them to the beach anymoreâ€¦ they are not concerned about their tans, no matter how convinced you are, silly.â€�
Everything is a joke to her, I swear. Would you want shaved, pale as hell assed hamsters around? I didnâ€™t think so. The tans really help.
â€œI have to go to work. Be good today.â€�
â€œI canâ€™t face a day without hamsters.â€�
After she left, I of course got right to work, pulling out the little cardboard minefields that I made and placing the plump hamsters in various strategic positionsâ€¦
I didnâ€™t even have a chance to tell her about training little kids into a deadly fighting force, who the hamsters will lead out into battle for both justice and whimsy.â€¦ M. will probably find some reason to nit-pick at that plan, too.
Consider me taking on students from this day forward, call and Iâ€™ll see if I can use you â€¦ if a woman answers though, just hang up real quick and call back later.