journal of a day

This morning I am sitting in the after effects of a sleepless night. Yesterday I was painting, and feeling extraordinarily inspired, finished a very complex drawing for m.’s office (I am going to paint the scene as well, so she will have both in her rather large space). The drawing has a nice looking woman’s face; it looks like she is looking through a window, because I draw her as a rectangle. The effect looks like she is framed. On one side of her, I drew a city disappearing into the horizon. The other side I drew hills and forests and tilled fields also going back to the lake. The lake serves as the horizon. In the sky are clouds all puffy and intricately drawn. The cross hatching alone took a week.

I always carry a drawing pad and a bunch of pencils with me. I draw on the train a lot, in coffee shops... the scribbling is like knitting to me. My mother knitted, and I am sure that I draw out of the same impulse. Usually there are few good drawings in my pad, because I am basically working out paintings in them, so I am unconcerned about finishing them.


The bud in my bong is light green and shimmering with crystals of pure thc. I am as high as the sky.
Along with the kind bud, I have taken Valium, effexor (a Prozac like drug, the increases seratonin) nerontin (a downer), synthetic morphine (Tramadol).

I am actually taking less of the Valium than prescribed because with everything else in my system, the addition of one of those little yellow pills makes me drunk. This would be fine, but M. hates me when I am twisted like that. They really take away all of my pain (normally I am in pain 24 7. So, of course, I do too much activity for my disability, and end up in excruciating .

Too much activity could cause the loose bone to push into a nerve that could paralyze me. The present pieces of nerves grinding against my nerves only cause pain in my back and legs. I have a bit of bone as big as the top of your finger that has drifted an inch of more away from my spine. Incredibly enough, my body adjusted to try to deal with the bone, by covering it in cart ledge.

I went in for an MRI on Monday and will see a neurosurgeon on march 22 and we will decide if I need a serious, have to learn to walk and suffer through months of hellish pain or hellishly addictive drugs.... but, I might get better. Sex might no longer make me feel pain. The pain is like a big stop sign. They stop me from roller blading, driving, and a zillion other things—like I can only stand and shop and stuff for a couple hours without causing myself extreme