Fishing For Winos

Fishing for winos

Now, let's all remember in this Christmas season that it's still fun to be mean and petty to the small and weak. People tend to forget that in December, and this leads to all the rises in crime and suicide that we see during the holidays. To fight this, I suggest doing something mean, like sucker punching midgets, but if this is too much for you, here is another fine way to fight seasonal depression.

Get a ten-dollar bill and tape it, very well, on the end of some fish line. Then, at stop lights, when wino's come up to the window, toss that ten their cup and chat up the guy so he doesn't hassle anyone else for a few seconds, then when the light changes and you are ready to peel off, pull the string and watch that wino's comical face when he sees that ten come flying back in the window. This is fun for the whole damn family, let me tell ya. Sometimes their change goes flying all over and they get hit by a bus or even a couple cars while they are scrambling about trying to save their pennies, but you can't expect this kind of uproarious result every time.

My cat, buk, is the supreme leader of the universe. Who would have thought?

My cat buk is the supreme leader of the known universe

Other than this, he is a perfectly normal cat. Who would have thought?
Yes, one of my cats is at the helm of a federation of all known sentient dwellers of space and time dimensions (they laughed at me when I asked why humans are not one of them, by the way...).

I had no idea Buk wielded such awesome powers with his little furry paws, but then today, out of a gray Chicago sky, a silver, cigar shaped ufo came buzzing down with a loud roar that shook the very bricks themselves as it landed in the courtyard of my building. I went to the window and looked out and saw these strange and bizarre alien creaturespouring out .... And the kitty-bum Buk, who had been, of course, napping, suddenly perked up and started floating around the apartment.

Now, my cats have never floated before. I have even tried to see if they could fly by tossing them up in the air and screaming, "Fly dammit, fly...." Even after they plopped down without the slightest sign of lift off, I remained convinced that they were just keeping it from me--and my shrink said this would change with therapy, that charlatan!!!

Anyways, next thing I know a green guy, with long antennas coming out of his head and bulging eyes on it's fish like face, floats up to our apartment and shoots this ray gun that blasts orange fire at our window, blowing the wooden frame back into the apartment and making my hair, for some reason, stand up straight from my head. They then came into the apartment, floating through the window and settling down on the hard wood floor amidst the broken wood and smashed plaster and broken TV and computer... . They were small, no bigger than a foot tall, so I grabbed the red metal baseball bat that I keep by the door and was getting ready to go at them, when suddenly my cat, the warm little fluff I have petted and fed and cleaned after for ten years, shot out his paw at me and a lightening bolt like ray smashed me back against the wall and paralyzed me with my arms and legs all twisted up behind me. They all laughed at this, too... Buk, the red tiger I thought I knew so well, was then addressed for a few minutes by various aliens, speaking in some weird language of purrs and chirps. When they were done, Buk put his paw print on some kind of slab of marble, and this seemed to end their business because they started to leave...

I was released and fell to the floor with a loud crash. One of them, looking like an orange slug with the wrinkled face of an aging mole, walked up to me at eye level as I lay there in pain, and told me, in a surprisingly deep and gruff voice for one so small, "He didn't think you humans could be trusted with knowing who he is."

"Then why is he here?" I asked as I rubbed a knot on the back of my aching head.

"Earth is known throughout the photons for good napping."
"Oh. Then why are you telling me now?"
"Humans are not intelligence enough to make use of such data. Though he will deny this in his usual way if you try to expose him, because the exposure would surely cut into his napping. Don't mess with his napping."
"What do you mean by that, he'll deny this in his usual way?"
"Arrogant silence."
"I thought that was arrogant silence, but everyone said it was just napping!!!"

When they were gone Buk just laid back down on his black furry pillow and crashed out for a few more hours.