ADVICE COLUMN FOR BUDDING SERIAL KILLERS

If you are a child who loves torturing hamsters, let me just say that while fun and fullfilling in weird ways usually not sated in this 'Law Infested' society, this is not geek behavior, as one of my ill-begotten readers wrote in. This is 'young serial killer in the makings logic' , or good training for living through the cruelty of doing scientific research on animals. I say go with the science choice, because while this one gets you laid a lot less, at least the people are alive.

GFNERAL SNIGGLY-POO HAS CHANGED HIS NAME TO FLUFFY ONE WHO KILLS

FLUFFY ONE WHO KILLS.


Sources close to the Pantopia Empire are said to be worried about the rising power of one of their herioc, charasmatic leaders. The General formerly known as Sniggly-Poo has run afoal of the government before by making radical statements like, "Soldiers should be able to decide where to fight." Now he is defying God himself by changing his name, a move that the government is afraid could spread to other hamsters, and cause them to lose their cover stories of being slavishly loving and controllable.

A source close to Pain is quoted as saying, "If that hamster gets in the way of Johnny's plan, the dog will be happy, that's all I can say."

Ruby dog and the kitty bum have been promised a special treat today, but still no word if this is related to the possibly treasonous behavior of Generaol Fluffy One Who Kills, or merely a can of tuna.

robot soldiers.... they're coming soon...

A weaponized robot, known as SWORDS, will be the first armed robotic vehicle to see combat.

The new york times has a great article about how combat robot research is getting some long bucks in the military budget. This has lead me to think of... robot hamsters!!!

I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I can even make large hamsters, like ten foot ones... this here world better start trembling now, because I WILL TAKE OVER!!!


here's the facts, jack...

quote: "The Pentagon predicts that robots will be a major fighting force in the American military in less than a decade, hunting and killing enemies in combat. Robots are a crucial part of the Army's effort to rebuild itself as a 21st-century fighting force, and a $127 billion project called Future Combat Systems is the biggest military contract in American history.

The military plans to invest tens of billions of dollars in automated armed forces. The costs of that transformation will help drive the Defense Department's budget up almost 20 percent, from a requested $419.3 billion for next year to $502.3 billion in 2010, excluding the costs of war. The annual costs of buying new weapons is scheduled to rise 52 percent, from $78 billion to $118.6 billion."

What these military types don't realize is that hamsters are more effective, because they can get in close, all secret like, and then attack... unlike these ugly robots, which will make the targets run off and possibly get away. Terrorists can't resist a furry little sidekick to help pass those long hours hiding out in holes in the ground and often stuffy safe houses... and neither can most world leaders... especially hamsters trained to come off ultra cute, smart and slavishly controllable.

Yea, when I rise, like Aragon, and take back the throne of my fathers fathers fathers... you had better just bet that you want to be on my side... because if not... well, okay, to tell the truth..... I could never really hurt anybody who wasn't attacking me or mine,
so what will really happen when Paintopia comes to life is that I'll just forgive you all in the end. Okay? We'll smoke kind bud in our peace pipes and munch nachos and sip coca-cola and tea and poke fun at ourselves... You know, work it out like equals and go for a peaceful solution that balances the needs of the many with the rights of the individual. Really. I won't just do whatever the hell I want, even if that is what people who know me will inevitably tell you.... like M.

My own dear M. thinks that if I was in power... well, to quote her poseinous words, She knows just how to get me, too... says, "Come on Johnny, you don't want to be around that many people. You can't lead the world if you only hang out with a cat, a dog and me and your easel and the computer... and you know you'd be unhappy with anything else, right?"
OF course she had to kiss me then. And of course she had a point.

I think, in her own sweet way, she was trying to tell me that if I convince the dog or the cat to open up lines of communications and take orders, I can cut way down on the number of human farts I have to smell during my rise to power -- she knows this is a very big concern of mine.

me and jesus had one of those nasty break ups, you know?

Jesus and me had a thing for awhile, and man did we ever have a messy, ugly break up. There was name calling -- me saying he was a fraud, him yelling at me that I would go to hell if we broke up. There was a lot passion there, though, and like all romantic fools, I kept taking him back again and again -- even after he broke all kinds of promises, was always contradicting himself, and, worse yet, he was always going out and starting wars and shit. He is one of those lovers who just wants your whole soul, you know? I mean, he told me it was a sin to even look at another deity. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to look? It's not like we were praying together or anything, but there was no telling that wrathful god much of anything.

I can take a lot from someone I love, but I knew it was over when I heard about how he went and started the crusades, and then led that witch hunt in europe and backed up colonialism.... well, you can imagine how this relationship would look to dr phil.


The weirdest thing about me and Jesus break up is how people are always tellling me to get back into a relationship with the guy.

He also changes his name a lot, too, which is suspicious? Sometimes he calls himself allah, sometimes buddha... the list is just about endless. I came across a bunch of fake id's one day and there were hundreds.

I have to admit, in the end, I used him. I only called him when I needed something. I mean, I gave him a lot of praise and built up his self esteem, but that wasn't enough. Did I mention he was carrying on affairs behind my back with a good portion of the world?

So please, if Jesus has sold you on the idea of 'taking you to heaven,' or something, listen to someone who knows -- that dude is a full of shit fraud.