SENATOR MCCAIN ADMITS STORING FOOD IN HIS CHEEKS

Senator John, Chipmunk Cheeks, McCain has finally admitted that he keeps large quantities of food in his extended cheeks.

Telling this reporter, "It all started when I was in Nam, in a prison, laying there in a hundred and twenty degrees of hell, feeling rats eating my goddamn dick... and just being too tired to do anything about it... well, didn't mean to talk about that. You publish that shit and I will have you dead by morning. Now, anyways, for the record... I was laying there one day and had a vision, of a mighty chipmonk, telling me that if I ever was around a lot of food again, I would be like the mighty chipmonk and save some for later, in my cheeks. I had no idea I would end up with these jowls at this age. Not complaining, I can keep a full boned chicken in this side. And a couple side dishes over here, not to mention a gun and a playboy, which were my other vows while inprisioned."

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i wish i could have been aborted

home
by johnny pain2.25.066:43 PM


You would think that having fetuses vacumed out of vaginas would be a concern only of young women who have no idea how they could raise a child, or a parent they fear even telling of the problem, or an insistent boyfriend, or even a medical fear of having their quims stretched out -- (I can relate, I mean, think of how much guys would like having an infant shoved up their asses; and if they do seem like they would like this, wait until they are sleeping, take a chef's knife and stab down deep into their hearts). Unfortunatly, no, impregnated women are not soon to be making this decision... No, fat, stuck up, myth addled white men, Republicans, are using the issue to get votes from the right wing christians, and by god they have no belief in your freedom of choice what--so--ever. . .

If they ban abortion, this means they would be legally censoring behavior to the dictates of their religion... some seperation of church and state, huh? The fucking elephant blowing Republicans act like they believe in the constitution, and it is just that -- an act. 'Every political formula is fiction; only the force produced is real,' says the book irregular modern warfare, and I believe it to be true. M. does not want to have children, and would certainly have entertained an abortion if she had gotten pregnant. I had my seed ripped out of a quim once. In Toledo, Ohio, with a woman who was my wife at the time. Back in 1982, I think. She was on a medication that was known to cause birth defects, and told me about her decision at the same time that she told me she was pregnant. Neither of us were joyous over the event, believe me.... And then... there were FUCKING Christ-o's out in front of the place with a garbage can filled with dolls that had been splashed with red paint. I guess there was also some fool walking around carrying a cross. Talk about putting your nose in other people's business!!! They made a bad situation for all even worse with their posters of grotesque fetuses... As I drove up they parted to let me in... or I would have ran their asses over!!! I WANTED TO KILL THEM... still do. I also wish I had a twenty year old son. And that taffy and milk chocolate trees were growing everywhere.

If abortion were merely an issue of sensibilities, I would say that her body is her body, and take the women's side over the myth addled any day. I would chalk this up to another instance of the mind mushed trying to make their myth work in the real world, where it often does as much harm as good. But, studies show that in areas with abortion, crime drops like twenty percent. This happened like twenty years after abortions were legalized in the state. Seems to show that women who aborted thier children, were actually getting rid of quite a few future criminals. These women are probably more concerned about themselves than not creating criminals, of course, but they were getting rid of fetuses that they could not raise properly.

This means abortions lower the crime rate. This makes this issue not between the right wing boofs and the women's rights workers... this makes this an issue for our entire society.

We would not want dogs raised in the environments some of these abortions were going to end up in, and we sure as hell don't want to deal with the warped kids raised there.So if these bastards get this legislation through the supreme court, expect those 'super predators' they used to talk about to be more and more frequently in the news over killing people like you and me.Stop Abortion = More Crime. The only arguements for stopping abortion are based upon myths and fallacies.

Do you want to live by myths, with no hope of ever getting your head out of your asses???? Oh, the smell, the smell!! Then go ahead. Some people need to keep their heads in their asses to bear up to the horrors of the every day battering of emotions, not to mention shit like floods, wars. But DO NOT TRY TO TELL ME HOW I HAVE TO LIVE.

Take this freedom away from the women and they will riot in the streets, if they have any sense (of course whether they have any sense or not is questionable)..... yea, this is everyone's issue, and we all shouldbe up in arms over this shit... except me, I get to have sense and not protest in any way, because I am more valuable to the world writing. And that's my story and I am sticking to it... I guess I should add that if you are one of those people who just has to kill somebody over issues like this, I cannot legally tell you who or why or what method to use, but I can say you'd be my hero, and I'd probably take a collect phone call from you in jail and say nice stuff and make you laugh. . . not that I would think you had approached the issue the best way.

Killing people for a cause makes everyone look bad.


Like the people who spiked trees and caused lumber jacks to get injured. They are just working grunts with no more control over the logging industry than me, so hurting them was stupid. People now hear the term 'tree hugger' and hate the folk.

So, what can we do to stop this? Senators and congress people can fight this down, perhaps... but the supreme court is packed with people who are against abortion, and now that south dakota is banning them, they will end up in front of the supreme court battling their case...Good bye Roe vs Wade is practically already here. Sorry to see it in my life time.... this little splinter of time that I breath is about to step back in time.

Damn it, I'm going to have to grease up my guns, oil down the mortar and figure out exactly which politicians used this issue to get elected, and which ones were genuinely christians. I'd have to kill the latter first, since they are the most despicable. Then I would go after the ones who appealed to the most base impulses of the jesus gibbering to gain office second. Have to take down at least ten of them, just to be sure I have that killing feel out of my system before I come home. M will kick my ass if I kill something in the apartment and go and get blood everywhere again.Y

ea, and next time my trigger finger gets itchy, I'm pulling a drive by on the protestors outside of this abortion clinic on western. They love fantasizing themselves into people on an important mission from god, the drama queens. Give them some actual drama, and they'll probably break out in toungue speaking and wet themselves as they line up to be martyred. Well, I suppose I will have to run this by the neighborhood dogs. Ever since that frying pan grew mysteriously quiet, they are giving me signals on who to kill, as well as, I might add, the run down on alein abductions and who killed jfk, bobby, and Martin... not to mention the best damn definition of iambic pentameter I have had the pleasure of hearing.T


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who'd of thunk it?????

The Fridlips came to power when I was a 67 year old. Surprised the hell out of me. Up until then, I really thought the world was a bit smarter than that on average, but I was obviously tragically wrong. The leader of a religion voted into the leadership of The One World Government?

When I was young, we would never have done this. Back then, the point was to let others live as they would, as long as no one else was getting hurt. Back then, though, our politicians were too smart to put much faith in religion, so they just pretended enough to appear to be religous, as any good machaivellian will tell you a leader must to get enough votes to maintain control of a pseudo-democracy. The madness of having the masses vote something into being is wild and uncontrollable, and they finally did it, voted in what we all feared, the rough hewn, populous candidate who decided to stay on past the eight years; the one with the army behind him, the one we found out wouldn't be leaving the throne after eight years; the one whodecided that since he had the armies to do it, he would keep the post indefinatly . . . Religous justifications were given, and within about twenty years, anyone who doubted the veracity of the priest/politico's was considered a heretic and jailed. Until they could be reprogramed -- by then the governement priests had brain washing techniques long perfected and knew how to produce whichever personality best suited their needs.

Religion was not always the controlling power in the world. My grandkids don't believe me when I tell them this. They think life on earth is always as it is now, like they have been taught in a thousand ways by the time they are three... the puppets on Sesame Street lying... that would not have happened when I was a child. I know that there was a society before the one we live in... I know what they do to people who Blashpehmy. For 157 years I have forced myself not to judge them.

I was a good citizen, a popular comedian for awhile.I don't when or exactly why i started writing about anything except politics and religions. I guess, like my manager told me at the time, and as I repeated over cocktails a thousand times over the years, I wanted people of all religions and political stripes to be my fans, buy my books and cd's. I told this line to my radical friends, of which I had quite a few back then. They still thought I was selling out, and slowly the dissolved, never again to be seen in my life. . . until they appeared in the paper after their arrests. I think it is truer that I did what I did to protect my family.
I did not like the take over by the ridiculously named Our Smiling Peace Ruler Dude Divine Leader Of The Fridlips. Back then, had I been alone, I think I would have just let myself die. I have always told myselt that I do this for my family... I have to believe as much. The alternative, that I am a coward, is to horrorifying for me to entertain. A lot of my friends, in that time, organized a march or something like that, full well knowing they were going to be tortured and killed -- they commited suicide by state.

Not me, I carried my cross through the world. First for the faces of my children, and then my grandchildren, and soon my great, great, great, great grandchildren... all happily living in the blissful ignorance of their youth. Their life has to be allowed to go on. Even if they are religious puppets of the Absurdist's Sect... So I reminded myself of what happens to the family's of heretics, and stayed silent.My last hope is that these words will spread like an infection from mind to mind. There is probably about a zero chance this little thought room of mine will survive this time. Humans being what they are, some person who doesn't fit the mold, will someday rediscover the idea of atheism. I have been secretly talking to Jacob 87987.

I may have planted the seeds of scepticism in his mind, though that seems grandiose when I write it on this page. When I told him this, it truly seemed that I was preserving something vital and important. More than likely, all I have given him 'is an odd memory of his grandfather, when he was old and starting to show the first signs of senility, babbling about something that he knew, from reading history books no less, did not happen. The Fridlips rewrote the past too radically for anyone from my time to recognize the planet.

NOW the world has always been just as it is, created in one fell swoop by The Super Dope Dude (their label for their god was once laughable to me; after all these years, even I say the words with a bit of reverence. Such an absurd old man I have become. I awoke one morning and the world was filled with cockroaches, though I was fine... I make reference to a writer who existed in the time they say no longer exists, Kafka; he lived years before me even, back then were all these different religions and they all despised each other to one degree or another -- one, the Jews, which Kafka was, were particularly picked on. He felt like learning he was a Jew was like being turned into a cockroach.

Jacob 97987 has been taught the word. He knows not to say it, and has kept our secret for nearly four years, from the age of seven to eleven. Even though I have seldom lived up to the words, I have always said that the reason to live this horrorifying life is to stop the horrorifying. At least a little bit, what we can; as much as one grain of sand can effect the ocean. The best of us have become urban missionaries, take the time to put together baskets for the poor, run soup kitchens and second hand stores, nurture the youth. They are the ones who focus on the problems in the now, instead of protesting some unstoppable war. . . spend their time putting together baskets for the poor, running the soap kitchens and second hand clothing stores, nurturing the youth. They seem to count to me, are like secular saints to me, an atheist even after over a hundred years of living in a world where the word does not exist. Tthe children now, they are raised under the new religous dictates where the word 'secular' -- and indeed the entire concept of the secular, is never inserted into their questing minds. Dictionaries no longer have this word, and of course they don't have THE WORD -- atheist. T

he kids are given the answers that best suit the state, and nothing more. They are supposed to be carefully constructed personalites that are best suited toward the produce and consume marketthat the wealthy have decided upon -- their decision, no doubt, colored by the fact that they do not want their lives of consument idle and luxury to be jepradized. The wasteful sides of us are being bred out genetically, so parents can be sure that their child will fit in; they are lowering intellegences and destroying parts of the brain that critically think. They are better off being A Smily Fit In, as the government describes 'the healty consumer product' that results from the Whacky Wonderful Surgery. as the commercials call it when the state begs expecting mothers to get the surgery for their squalling whelps )conversly, they also show dark, horrorifying commercials about the results of not having the childs brain scrambled; shots of a lone man, looking at the ground, his face filled with his psycic pain). A tube is inserted into the nose, right up into the brain, then swished about all haphazardly, destroying the right side of the frontal lobe, getting rid of creativity and higher language skills in the process. They seem so happy afterwards. The mandatory drugs certainly help.

Lately, for years, I guess now, I have been entirely alone in putting off the 'Smiley Surgery.' Their rituals still make me laugh, actually.... like when they make everyone walk backwards two steps for every one hundred steps forward. They even gain points from this and other religous ridiculousnesses, and can trade them in for various prizes when they get to heaven. They get virgins for so many, motorcycles, luxury cars--always the hottest one on the market at the very moment the new Religous Billboards showing the model go up around town.

The eyesores are very three blocks, by order of the Super Dude. They color them differently in every town, so they do not detract from the natural beauty. . . that is what they say, at least. They look like shit to me, though the more conditioned citizens, like my sons sons and on down the generations thin they are works of art that are somehow better looking than mountains, and streams; or in my case, lake Michigan. None of them could understand why I was saddened by the billboard blocking my view. The hot property now has such views, they tell me. Everyone wants one, they tell me. No one alive now would understand how I used to laugh at the Fridlips . . . They were led by ruthless men, and still are by their children; they are the uneducated, fucking goat farmers from the most backwards parts of the world. They will not read anything except The Fridlips Frapples. They passed laws saying that all dogs must have their genitilia covered, as must sheep and goats, because the leaders knew that they got aroused by the thought of bestiality and could only assume that the masses felt the same way. I had a million jokes come to mind abou that one. . . and like always, I kept my blasphemy to myself. And I laughed inside when I saw all these people, five times a day, putting their elbows to their ears and humming that damn song, "'We Are The State, This Is So We Are,' over and over... ten times. People are solemn during the rituals, take them so fucking seriously.

My generation is almost gone. Soon no one will even remember the ideas that were cherished in my youth. Well, no one except Jacob 87987. . . and I am still not quite sure that he doesn't think he is hearing the babbling of an old man's dementia.... though I am sure that all of this is true. I think it is. Is it? I went to a Priest Talk To who told me the past I remember is false, something inserted in my mind by LEXPODDLEKID, the evil opposite of the Kugldopple, their highest god--thingy.


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THE FUTURE... WHO'D HAVE THUNK????

The Fridlips came to power when I was a 67 year old. Surprised the hell out of me. I really thought the world was a bit smarter than that on average, but I was obviously, tragically, wrong. The leader of a religion voted into the leadership of a country? When I was young, we would never have done this. Times have changed -- the madness of having the masses vote something into being is wild and uncontrollable, and they finally did it, voted in what we all feared, the one who found they couldn't leave the throne after eight years and decided, since he had the armies, to stay...

Religous justifications were given, and any who doubted the veracity of the priest/politico's was considered a heretic and jailed until they could be reprogramed -- by brain washing techniques long perfected at producing whatever personality best suited those in control.

Religion was not always the controlling power in the world. I know that it is illegal to write such 'blashphemy,' and my writing has stayed away from criticising them for all of my 157 years. I was the good citizen who simply started writing about anything except politics and religion... I wanted people of all religions and political stripes to be my fans. Or so I told myself and mymore radical freinds -- who thought I was 'selling out'. I did what I did to keep my family safe. Not that I wasn't effected by the take over by Our Smiling Ruler Dude, Divine Leader Of The Fridlips. Had I been alone, I think I would have just let myself die. At least I hope this is true. The alternative, that I am a coward who suffered through this life for no good reason, is too horrifying for me to entertain.

No, I carried my cross through the world. All just for the faces of my children, and then my grandchildren, and soon my great, great, great, great grandchildren... all happily living in the blissful ignorance of their youth. Their life has to be allowed to go on. Even if they are religious puppets of the Absurdist's Sect... So I have always, when my urge to fight them has risen, reminded myself of what happens to the family's of heretics, and stayed silent.

My last hope is that these words will spread like an infection from mind to mind. I have been secretly talking to one of them, a Jacob 87987. I may have planted the seeds of scepticism in his mind, or just given him a slightly odd memory of his grandfather babbling about something that he knew, from reading history books no less, did not happen. Jacom 97987 has been taught the word. He knows not to say it, and has kept our secret for nearly four years, from the age of seven to eleven.I have always said that the reason to live this horrorifying life is to stop the horrorifying. Or at least a little bit, what we can; as much as one grain of sand can effect the ocean. The best of us have become urban missionaries, take the time to put together baskets for the poor, run soup kitchens and second hand stores, nurture the youth. Instead of protesting other problems, they are the ones who focus on the problems in the now, instead of protesting some unstoppable war. . . spend their time putting together baskets for the poor, running the soap kitchens and second hand clothing stores, nurturing the youth. They seem to count to me, an atheist even after over a hundred years of living in a world where the word does not exist, like secular saints. 'Secular Saints.' These words mean something else to the children now, they are raised under the new religous dictates where the word 'secular' -- and indeed the entire concept of the secular, is never inserted into their questing minds. They are given the answers that best suit the state, and nothing more. They are supposed to be carefully constructed personalites that are best suited toward the produce and consume market the wealthy have decided upon -- their decision, no doubt, colored by the fact that they do not want their lives of consument idle and luxury to be jeoperdized.

The wasteful sides of us are even being bred out genetically, so parents can be sure that their child will fit in; they are lowering intellegences and destroying parts of the brain that critically think. They are better off being A Smily Fit In, as the government describes 'the healty consumer product' that results from teh surgery. A tube is inserted into the nose, then swished about all haphazardly, destroying the right side of the frontal lobe, getting rid of creativity and higher language skills in the process.They make everyone put their elbow on their ear five times a day, and walk backwards every one hundred steps. You gain points toward various prizes in heaven with every holy act. You can't cheat, they tell the masses, because the one god will see you. They get virgins for so many, motorcycles, luxury cars... always the hottest one on the market at the very moment the new Religous Billboards go up around town. Every three blocks. They color them differently in every town, so they do not detract from the natural beauty... that is what they say at least. They look like shit to me, though the more conditioned citizens, like my sons, think they are works of art that are somehow better looking than mountains, streams, or in my case, the lake. None of them could understand why I was saddened by this. I used to laugh at them, at first... They were the uneducated, fucking goat farmers from the most backwards parts of the world... they passed laws saying that all dogs must have their genitilia covered, as must sheep and goats, because the leaders knew that they got aroused by the thought of bestiality and could only assume that masses felt the same way. Oh, how I laughed at that. And I laughed when I saw all these people, five times a day, putting their elbows to their ears and humming that damn song, "'e Are The State, The Is So We Are,' over and over... ten times


.Now everyone is so solemn during the rituals, take them so seriously, cover all the dogs and goats and sheep -- an act that somehow sexualized them, oddly enough. My generation is almost gone. Soon no one will even remember the ideas that were cherished in my youth. Well, no one except Jacob 87987. I have told him to tell his children. I doubt he will. Much as I hate to admit it, even he is beginning to look at me like I am mad....





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Join the Blue Ribbon Online Free Speech Campaign!

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

FUCK THOSE TREES!!! BUY MY BOOKS!!!

FUCK THOSE TREES!!!! BUY MY BOOKS!!


I mean, who doesn't hate trees, what with their getting to be so fucking tall and living to be a thousand, not to mention that they get to have squirrels live in them. How could we not be resentful of these sneering behemoths?

YOU KNOW THEY DESPISE US. Their name for us roughly translates to 'the ones who are so stupid that the damned squirrels won't even live in them and they are fucking nuts.' I know people like to say, the tree huggers at least, that this is partially because they see our lives like we would view a movie being played like five speeds faster than normal, which makes us look all slapstickish -- not that this is any excuse for their smug elitism...

They are a drag on the entire ecosystem, these bastards. And don't even get me started on how they take the whole winter off!! I wish all to hell that I could take the winter off and just sleep, but no..... Those lazy fucking plants!!

Help me kill them!

Buy my book, and get a free 100% tree bark T shirt reading: 'OH, FUCK THE RAINFOREST.' *


* T-SHIRTS subject to availability and I HAVE none IN STOCK and never will.

sticking straws in cow shit and snorting the gas???

Let me just add this tidbit to the general malaise of your existence ... this one about the growing popularity of catching a buzz off the Methane gases released from shit. Yes, they stick straws in steaming piles and sniff away. I would think is the kind of thing you would want to stay away from? Hey but what would I do if I lived in a country where I am denied the constitutionally mandated 'pursuit of happiness' that is at the base of hemp addiction . . . and always, as a write, in the back of my mind, the honest one forces me to add... but what do I know?

Certainly, I do not know shit. Not like these guys at least. I mean, I may have tried this while walking Ruby a couple times when I was out of weed... you know, those desperate times when every bit of paraphenila in the house gets scraped for resins.... but probably not.

On this same topic, in Singapore they cut the heads off of pot smokers and suppliers. As a result, no one smokes... sadly enough, this leads to a huge problem with glue sniffing, which is about a million times more damaging than pot to your brain. Way TO GO JOHNNY LAW, SHOOT THEM SUICIDES DOWN DEAD BEFORE THEY CAN DO A MORTAL SIN....

Getting high is your right. Fuck em' if they don't get it. Fight The Mower. And all that protest jargon that is meant to stir up.

Anyways, April Second IS DEALER'S DAY, as everyone knows... tradition has it, here in the states, that on this day we all buy gifts for our dealers, or at least give them a card with a few extra bucks. Flowers are nice, but not required (as long as the payment given is double the price of two dozen roses, which varies from state to state here, so you will want to check before giving this out because you can damn well bet your dealer knows and if you low ball you will get the shakiest dam bags... lots of seeds. Stems... oh, dog, you do not want to see the kind of low grade buddage you can get for dissing a dealer).

I HATE STEMS AND SEEDS SO FUCKING MUCH.

Oh seed and stems!!
How I hate thee!!
Making my bag
All weighty!!!
With unsmokable
Wasty!!!

I seem to have digressed into Poetry? I am sitting here writing with my mouth full of toothpaste, the entire time I put together the above... because I had some thought while brushing my teeth, walked out to the computer to jot it down and ended up just staying until now... bet you feel like this paragraph has enriched your life, eh? Ha!! Made you waste a few seconds of your life!!!

AM I PROUD TO BE A FUCKING OUTLAW IN RUSSIA?

No... just, as always, disappointed in your species.

Russia just banned saying anything offensive about religion.


they closed infinite gates in their minds
slipped back down the ladder

Add that to all the places on the planet where speaking your mind will make the STUPID IGNORANT ONES come after the EDUCATED... THEY KILL THE EDUCATED FIRST BECAUSE THEY ARE MOST DANGEROUS TO THE STATUS QUOGuess that makes me a fucking outlaw in Russia, huh? Strange when ones own morality makes one an outlaw. I think it should be the opposite.

===Ever wonder why I can always get up a good frothy face over religion? Read on...

========The next paragraph is a newsreport from one of my favorite blogs...

=============After the recent Muslim caricature controversy, Russian media organisations have been ordered not to publish anything that could be construed as offensive to any religion or risk losing their licences.

=================How long before they decide on one religion, or one wins whatever war... and they legislate up a whole new human being, a halfing deformed bastard culture? That would be so cool. In comics. Real life situations like that tend to suck very, very badly. Expecially when another Jim Jones takes over.

HAVE A DAY WHERE

everything you hold dear and sacred is drawn into debasing cartoons, insulting not only you, but everyone you know right down to their bones. . . wonder what it would be like if you had a real enemy to throw a bomb at, and not just another man masquerading as a soldier?

MORE GOAT FUCKING ADVICE

Like great, great old uncle Smigwhilliple used to say, in his ancient, wheezy thin voice,"Better get ya' a' fuckin' them goats, you know, because when you are too old to get a woody, like me, oh then, well then, you'll miss the feel of that goat."

This kind of has become our family motto since then. I for one have the entire sentence tattooed on my penis in like two inch letters.


Sometimes, Uncle Smigwhilliple would sit staring out the windows for all the long hours between lunch and dinner , just a watching the goats out in the field with a slight gleam in his eye. Mom used to tell the neighbors who stopped by and saw him, "He's a thinkin' goats, that one is."

This paragraph has nothing at all to do with what I am really writing about, which is the eternal, sublime, almost grotesque sex of the mighty she goat. Does this fact make you think you are wasting your time allowing these words to leap off the screen through your eyes and into your skulls squishy grey filling? Just wondered how that worked... uh, sorry.


Carry on, now... nothing here to see, please move on. Don't fucking force me to remove you from this entry. I have to come over there and make you get your ass away from this entry you are going to regret it. In fact, should this happen, I will eat all your goats. And not the way youse do either, you syphliss drippings!!!!!!

VIOLENCE SUBVERTED? ENCOURAGED?

I have been thinking about the site in terms of all the serial killer stuff that I am putting on there. I was starting to take it totally in the direction of a sick comment on being desensitized to violence by the media, video game culture, etc... the whole Kill Bill phenomena is gross to me, at heart. Tarantino thinks violence is a dance. He deserves to get his ass really, really fucking kicked once so he can find out just how ugly and brutal and smelly and naseauting it all really is. But... for some reason, I find this character really funny...

You hear artists say all the time, "I am not responsible for how people use my art." They say this after suicides and murders, folk like Marlyn Manson and the Rock Star Video game makers.... I say fuck that, to some degree -- if you don't feel responsible for your art, why would you do it? Art is about communicating with others on very deep levels that defy easy interpretation. So I try to do stuff with stories, usually, even if it is just softening my readers souls toward eccentrics and misfits or druggies or whatever...So along comes all this serial killer stuff that I have been writing about. No one has complained. I keep it so tounge in cheek that if anyone did, I would have the out that it is obviously meant to be funny. But what else is this prose doing?Is it also glorifying violence? I don't want to do that. I started thinking about this topic after coming across a critical article on people who collect Serial Killer momentos and art. I find that sick as hell, and would never in a million years want something like that around me. I would burn it. In fact, I should start buying them up and burning them. I will if I get rich. I find serial killers sick fucks, and interesting only because they are a curiousity in this weird, weird world... and I am curious about how anyone could be like that, and there are a lot of answers--too many for one or ten lifetimes. What am I doing with this serial killing that makes such prose acceptible to an educated, intellectual westerner like myself? I am subverting the very violence that I write about, making fun of the character who kills people, show him to be a reactive asshole who has no feelings for other people. This is how they really are, to a degree... common traits at least. To read prose about serial killers is kind of a hard thing for people to do. Making it funny helps. I am interested in that kind of stuff and read about it, because I don't have whatever twist in my mind that would make me kill. I don't kill insects if I can help it. I do feel like killing sometimes, but that is only because as a writer I feel like I have to be very emotionally honest, but that is a world away from even lightly smacking another human being.So, the people who read my work will apply the context that defines what the term 'serial killer' means as they read this; if they find them sexy, they may find that--certain sicko women do, or they might find that they only like the descriptions of the killing and kind of ignore the humor. Those things could happen, but obviously I have an intent that shows in my work, and they can easily see my intent as well.At the base of all my prose is a kind of working out of the universe, a way of defining the world that is compatible with science and ecology and peace and all the good stuff that people have to cling to to get through the chaos. To do this, I have to write about some dark stuff. That is some of the evidence I need. So how do I get people to come with me down dark paths? A lot of people do not even read the news because it is so depressing. That means that they don't know that there are more slaves right now -- 275million -- than ever before on the planet... or care to do the shit that would stop it... like they were trying to do a hundred years ago with the civil war. But if I write an article saying how cool it is that we have all these slaves, and how the return to slavery is just what we need to get rid of the pesky unions, PEOPLE will learn this and laugh. The laughter is like the yin to the yang. So, that is my justification for writing shit like, "I want to cut your mothers head off and fuck her throat hole... just like I did my dear old mum" as a potential pick up line in a bar... are you buying it?THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

HAMSTER ARMY DOING TRAINING EXCERCISES ON IRAQ BORDER

Rumors continue to fly that Rockstar W has hired a private army to take over for american troops presently quagmired in Afganistan and Iraq. For weeks these unsubtainted rumors could not be substantiated . . . until now.He is hiring my hamster army.

THis is pretty cool, but he won't fork out the money to buy them personal body armor, or even metal sheeting to keep their little jeeps safe from sniper bullets. Just like he tried to do with the human soldiers, who W is known to refer to, confusedly, as 'the masses meat,' in an evident reference to their coming from the masses of the classes that historically supply the battle fodder in wartime, due to their relative powerlessness in society. When asked about the 'masses meat,' comment, the W had this to say, "Look, you weasely asshole. I got something called breeding okay? The masses ain't. And new meat, hell, that's just something that soldiers been called since... or was that a prison movie? That one I saw that. . . caused me to get a woody with the guy on guy action. You had those two homo's killed didn't you? I'll need the videos of that, by the way. Little research I am doing. Top secret."

Later, as the W came out of House Of Blues, where he had just seen his fantasy concert, which he arranged as a command performance, with the Rolling Stones opening for his all time favorite, the Chimpmunks, he was heard to ask, 'How the hell do they get those Chipmunks to sing anyways? I mean on the records, you know? I mean, I could tell this was just a cartoon. But on the records, that shit is straight up chipmunk.'

When asked about the possibility of the government hiring a hamster army, the W responded, "Now, that is one hell of an idea. I bet the president who does come up with that great idea will .... well, get patted on the but, so to speak, by the whole nation. Not a faggie but pat, I' talking a football player to football player... hell."When reminded of what he was talking about, the W continued, "Hamsters are just brilliant. I'd get them if I could. Surely the enemy is checking them out, breeding their baddest, toughest crop of hamsters ever, I hear. I can't say nothing but good about hamster armies, that is for damn sure."
"Does this mean, rockstar president w sir, that you have a hamster army? And my question has a second part, as well. Is this hamster army equipped in any way to defeat well armed humans?"

"What the hell? Two parts? Did I say I was giving you goddamn interview? Okay, we have hamsters. Lots of them. I been keeping them in the basement. They got a huge one here. Everybody else thinks I'm keeping the bodies of hookers back there, and stays out. "

Cheney was quickly flown to the scene in a helicopter. Taking the rockstar president w's place at the microphone (where w had been making fart noises and then laughing over and over for the last forty five minutes). "Hey, whatever he said, he was just kidding. Pulling your legs. Hamsters in the White House basement? Hell, dead hookers maybe, but not some rodent. I am anti-rodent, in most cases. Lab rats are required. I am not anti-lab rat. Hell, I hope they torture rats. Anyways, no hamsters here. Now, who wants to go on a press junket to Honolulu? Anybody? I can send anyone who doesn't want to go to Cuba, little slice of cuba where you can wear a hood for a couple years, find out what it's like to have your balls wired up to the electric sockets in your room, so whenever your interrogator comes in ands flips on the lights you can't wait to tell them what they want. Wait, I did not say that. No, I was just kidding. I mean, I said it, in the context of kidding. We're practicing for, uh, April Fools Day. THough of course, last year, when the W called Russia and said the Nukes were in the sky was excessive, though I think everyone can laugh about it now. Except that one town that was actually nuked. Thank god that wasn't in America. There was not one American death. No one thanks the president for that. The Cheney Out."

Flashing 'v' for victory signs, Cheney was observed getting into a limosine with twelve, horny, obviously erect afgan hounds. Cheney's personal ass greaser, Rush Limbaugh, was also seen in the limo, dipping his hands into large vats of Crisco and laughing maniacally.

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TV SCREAMS

don't be PC
the tv screams
words are just words
until they become Columbine
or appear on a comic with allah and his knives
voice after voice after face screaming BUY NOW don't wait/ offer won't last/great discounts/
claims of the paid liars we invite into our living rooms
Woner what do they tell the children
the flim flam men and the shiny skinny ladies
do they taunt everyone into trying to be plasticine
always afraid of showing ourselves
hiding away the cripples inside
silent stoics spending whithered days mentally running away from the constant mourning
the flurry of extinctions in the animal kingdom
the plight of every dog on a leash
every cat declawed
horrors of the farm
- all the trade offs to survive this time
the mind games we use to avoidthe mental mine field
that explode our tentative constructs
set the sick sinners loose from the chains of culture
make us see cows faces in our burgers
child slaves in our shirts
Hitlers' mustach under every preachers nose



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VIOLENT MOVIES

violent movies


Why not let John Wayne go in and correct everything
have him do it in two hours
brave and steadfast in the face of danger
standing up when his cowboy buddies are laying down
he of course shoots them alllike twenty of themwith a six shoote
LET THE MOVIE END
with no crying widows
no burned out buildings
no lives forever disrupted
no one waving a white flag from a roof
no suicide bombers
no kings
no dictators
no slaves
no whores
no religions
no crack
no herion
no one crying over any damn thing at all...
LET THE MOVIE END
with a lone girl with dark brown hair
the face of liz taylor when she was a diamond
she is softly humming a song to herself
her eyes closed as she slowly/slowly dances to the tune





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dragging the sickness out into the light

Don't you hate it when you read about some celebrity going in and out of treatment over some horrifying addiction? It is like, you know, sooner or later this person is going to use something again. They make all sorts of declerations of this and that about being sober, or perhaps just drinking booze and smoking and downing coffee but staying away from the hard stuff... When My Man Mitchum came out of treatment, a reporter asked him how he had changed.... Mitchum, who was being interviewed in a bar as he put away ungodly amounts of scotch, said something like, "Since I went through treatment, I'm drinking everything on the rocks." (this quote is much funnier than what I have written here). I keep telling you kids to stick to the weed, but I didn't listen so why should I expect you to?Not that I want to make light of going through treatment. There are few hells I understand better than the one of addiction. Everything I believe on the topic was written in scars. I can be pretty bad about this kind of shit if I let myself, because I just can't seem to get myself to moderate when it comes to drinking. I gave it up years ago because of all the mayhem this kind of pattern can have on ones life. I couldn't function drinking. Some can, but me... no, some big fuck up always happened that made me too ashamed to drink. I really could not control who I slept with, or what kind of mischeif I might decide was cool while drunk. Including fighting, which is a very ugly trait. I got my ass kicked exactly once in my life, and that was when I was eighteen and whisky drunk. I was so foolish that the shame rides down my nerves to this day and slams into my stomach with a big splash of acid...Regrets? I want to be a man who has regrets, because everyone should have a few. Everyone. Except machines and psycho paths. Prisons are filled with people who have no regrets for the most heinous behavior, yet I get floored by the horrible emotions that fill me if I am late walking my dog. Damn is the world a subjective place...Anyways, the treatment thing... I just wanted to say that I did it myself, and it was such a big mind fuck ... but I don't know if I would be who I am today, for good or bad, if I had not gone through treatment. I learned a lot of reasons to quit drinking... problem was, they involved invisible freinds, and that illusion doesn't stick with me, no matter how much brain washing I and others subject it to.Now I smoke enough weed to qualify as some kind of rastafarian. I don't have the hair, and can't spell the religion, but there is some kind of loophole in the law that allows people to take drugs for relgious purposes. I couldn't deal with that hair... just having long hair is a nightmarish chore... so I really do need to start a religion.hey, I just had a vision from the all powerful alarm clock that I worship... I must start a new religion, so people can finally truly know that their bad habits will still be allowed in heaven. Attaining the bliss of this religion requires sending me money, which I will then send the 'spirit' of up to heaven... this evil money you send buys you different things in heaven. Like, you want a flat screen in heaven? We are talking all eternity here, so you probably want something with an exceptional picture, right? Send me just ten dollars, and our god will give you a tv set so big that it looks like a drive in, and you can watch anything you want while floating on a cloud. You're probably wondering what kind of snacks are in heaven... well, none, unless you buy them now. Sorry, I don't write the revelations, I just scribe them for the big guy-gal... So, join my religion to learn about Fritos as big a truck, oreos with so much filling coming out the sides that you can ski on them... I have been ordered to call this true, true heaven The Realm of Jolly Fat Fuckers. All we'll do is eat and fuck -- and don't worry, we'll have no boring virgins in this heaven -- no, these women know how to do it all!!! And the women in this heaven actually like to give guys head. M. doesn't believe this last part. Damn her.


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President Rockstar W. Once Again Experiences Flash Backs To Books About Vietnam

THE PRESIDENT ROCK STAR W'S STATE OF THE UNION REPORT DEBACLE has gone widly unnoticed by the public, who have genuinely stopped reading any stories about the presidnet because, as one liberal source is said to have said to someone who said it to someone who said it to me, quote: "We won't read it, period. Too fucking depressing. Having this guy in the white house is like having a death in the family every fucking day. You have to just let that anger go. Sometimes I just think the CIA put him in there to drive me crazy. They have this one secretary there, I talked to her on the phone when I called, and though she would not admit anything, I know that she was assigned to drive me crazy." T

he unscensored version of the true, true, true, true, true story. . . on certain levels. Really. . .White House Sources say Rockstar W. was too wasted to attend, so Robot W. , who everyone secretly likes a lot better than the real one, was called in once again to give a speach.

When the story first broke to the press that Rockstar W was sitting around all day coloring and absolutly refuse to do any of what he calls, 'presidenting,'once again, the Robot W handled himself so well that American's just kind of accepted him. Rockstar W. is said to be so proud of the robot Rockstar W. that they have made a copy of W.'s wife, who it is rumoured will give The Real Rockstar W. head all day if he wants it, which has, again, allegedly, led to the president's much discussed chaffing problems on his penis, which he was hospitalized for the second day after Rockstar W's Robot Wife arrived.

Robot W can care less about Rockstar W's Robot Wife, but the W. has still demanded that he not be told about their little trysts because he doesn't trust anyone who doesn't know less than him, and that leaves mighty few.

The Rockstar W. later gave a brief statement to the press. Looking somehow serious, bemused, and arrogant all at once, the now red eyed and liquor breathed W. talked about his absence from the State Of The Union address. "Maybe I'm just being paranoid, or something, man, but dang nabit... the reason... I wasn't able to do this event, which was..."

At this point Cheney out of the door. Clearly visible inside the door was what first was thought to be the robot w's robotic wife, kneeling on the floor with come in her hair, on her face... though later reports made clear that this was indeed just the rockstar w's real wife, not her new and improved version, so no one really gave a shit. Though no one is allowed to tell the president, due to a new law passed today, which makes it a crime punishable by life in prison.

Rockstar W. turned to Cheney and high fived After finding out he was talking about from a reporter, Rockstar President W continued."Yeah, I been missing a lot shit lately. Stuff I damn well want to do,not just this stuff. You think it's easy living with my memories of Nam? It ain't man, it ain't. A car backfires and I hit the ground. I wake up late at night sweating and screaming about 'killing gooks.' I mean, I don't have anything against the Vietnamese people now. We fought them. They didn't want to fight us. We went there. Should of kicked their asses, didn't."

Cheney then had a breif, whispered conference during which, apparently, he was once more reminded that he had never been to Vietnam.

"Okay... I read a lot of vietnam books when I was a kid. Back when I was strong and could read about long marches and brutal fighting with no problem at all. No one told me that I would be scarred for life, and suffer these flashbacks. Hey, I thought I was helping save the democratic way by reading about the firefights... oh, man, I still look up at all the planes going over to make sure they are one of ours. Hell if I'd been writing those books, we could have won that damn war. Fact I might just do that, with some damn ghost writer... Why the hell am the only one who can come up with new ideas like this. I guess that's why I'm a rock star, man... I know everything. Everything. Chicks? Got em. Smoke? Got em. Blow? Got em. I get the munchies man, I got cooks ready to fucking serve me their own arm if I ask... that shit's kind of gross, and like I told my mom, I didn't they would take a presidential decree that seriously. She didn't buy that because I had those security... uhm, what are they... my posse, yea... the sunglasses guys in the suits.. well, they did where suits, until I became a rock star, and could afford to dress and get haircuts like the very early beatles."

W then opened the floor breifly for reporters questions.

"You are saying, sir, that being with loose women, doing drugs, and hanging out with a posse of Beatles look a likes is more important than giving the state of the union address?"

"What the fuck? What the hell planet are you from? I thought they were only letting the nose to the ass guy's come to these things. Hey, somebody catch that little reporter there, that fat one, the one that looks liberal. Damn, I guess I have to fucking point for you damn beatle heads. Yea, you guys, beat the hell out him... Okay, now who has another question... you."

"Hello sir, I'm with Rolling Stone magazine. I wanted to ask...""

Fucking Rolling Stone, huh?"

"Yes, sir. And my question..."

"Bet you get some fucking good weed, don't you boy?"

"Uh, no... We now kiss your ass, too, sir... and it used to be that Republicans were, well, against weed. I grew up Republican, of course, because you only let third generation Repulican reporters into these press conferences..."

"That's a fucking national secret!" The W. Screamed. " Somebody shoot that fucker. Make him disapear."

"Four men dressed like the early Beatles then surrounded the reporter, who our sources at the White House say is now in a monastary somewhere and will not be contacting anyone anywhere ever again. Reporters on the scene claimed to have no more questions as we all high fived the W and then went out to Ginger and Mary Ann's, a strip club with a Gilligan's Island theme -- on him. It was fucking great.





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BOUNCING TOMMY CRUISE AND THE CULT OF PERSONALITY

"Across 90 nations, 5,000 people hear his (bouncing tommy cruise) scientology every hour," International Scientology News proclaimed last year. "Every minute of every hour someone reaches for LRH technology, simply because they know Tom Cruise is a Scientologist."The above is from the la times. I want to break bouncing tom in half, punch his ho in the stomach, kill all his relatives.... I MEAN, IT IS A CRIME TO LEAD PEOPLE INTO CULTS.JUST LIKE IT IS A CRIME TO USE RELIGION TO TRICK PEOPLE OUT OF MONEY.... CRIMES, BUT NOT ILLEGAL... Oh, no... you are allowed to trick people out of money for fortune telling, sin forgiving, talking to saints and even god, and all sorts of other institutionalized scams. You can't scam people with bookeeping, or fraudulent stocks, lemon cars, or just about anything else except religion. Why is it that we allow the religious folk to scam people? I SAY BECAUSE MY AIM IS OFF, OTHERWISE, SHOOT EM DOWN -- GUT SHOOT EM AND LEAVE EM IN A WELL WITH A COUPLE DOZEN RATS THAT WILL SLOWLY EAT THEM OVER THE COURSE OF THEIR DYING DAYS. And there are still fools out there who wonder why I have to kill to maintain proper mental health? IDIOTS!!!! They would feel so much better if they could just get some bouncing celebrity in their sights and shoot em' down flat dead!!!! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.