a conversation between the denizens of my mind.

ME: How are you doing?

i: Oh, you know... not so good.

me: How come?

I: Oh, you know... I see all this horror everyday, read the news and all. And the war, and bush and .... the list is endless.

me: Yea, well, the list of glorious things is just as endless, eh?

i: That damned half empty glass still looks half empty to me.

me: Well, no one can make you feel better.

I: Weed might, but I have none and won't be buying any anytime soon.

ME: You have to make the effort, take up your sword and do battle with the dark thoughts.

I: Yea, but the people who do that most effectively are called sociopaths, okay? I want to keep my heart open, my mind ever changing with new information. I need to look into the heart of the proverbial darkness. I mean, I'm a writer . . . and my goal is to be a damn good one, and that requires being aware of my world. Even the dark stuff.

ME: Sure, but that doesn't mean that you can just go with a depression. They are unproduictive, get you no where, and produce, god forbid, more of your stupid ass poems.

I: hey, I wrote a couple good poems.

ME: Out of maybe 20 thousand. And that was back In college. Why are you contesting this, you hate your poems more than I do.

I: That is all too true. The problem is, even the writing I like, is all on a blog, instead of in a book. A book would buy me a few of the little things I would like, and allow me to afford to get a new cat.

ME: You only have today. The right here. If you can come back to that, look around at the things you do have.... I would say be grateful to god for what you have, but that topic is undiscussible with people like you.

I: You never told me that you were religious?

ME: Oh, yea... I am a mystic and still in your mind, though obvioysly you don't call on me much.

I: I did this conversation thing a lot when I was going through Proggof Journaling at a nunnery.

ME: Did it help you feel better about yourself?

I: back then, I was sure that my writing would take me where I want to go, into some place of power or wealth where I can actually help out the world.

ME: lots of people tell you that your writing means something to them.

I: They like it because its for free.

ME: You have a wonderful dog, a worshipful cat, a lovely lover, an apartment on the lake, a big screen tv, internet access, lots of good, honorable friends, a lot of oil paintings, and paint and naked canvasas ready for your next bout of painting... Listing things like this does make you feel better, huh?

I : yea, it does. I once would have just tried to 'turn over' my problems to god, and try to forget them. I miss that almost as much as that feeling of being tied into the universe.

Me: I miss it more, but we both know that you have to avoid mental viruses that obscure the truth of life. If there is a god, it will think your way is moral and right, surely. You really do stick your neck out, jump into fights and stop them, and all sorts of stuff. You even wrote a funny entry today, the first in a month.

I: well, I hope that if anyone reads this, they can take this technique and bear their pain a little easier.

this really did come up on my computer...

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me and jesus had one of those nasty break ups.

Jesus and me had a thing for awhile, and man did we ever have a messy, ugly break up. There was name calling -- me saying he was a fraud, him yelling at me that I would go to hell if we broke up. There was a lot passion there, though, and like all romantic fools, I kept taking him back again and again -- even after he broke all kinds of promises, was always contradicting himself, and, worse yet, he was always going out and starting wars and shit. He is one of those lovers who just wants your whole soul, you know? I mean, he told me it was a sin to even look at another deity. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to look? It's not like we were praying together or anything, but there was no telling that wrathful god much of anything.

I can take a lot from someone I love, but I knew it was over when I heard about how he went and started the crusades, and then led that witch hunt in europe and backed up colonialism.... well, you can imagine how this relationship would look to dr phil.


The weirdest thing about me and Jesus break up is how people are always tellling me to get back into a relationship with the guy.

He also changes his name a lot, too, which is suspicious? Sometimes he calls himself allah, sometimes buddha... the list is just about endless. I came across a bunch of fake id's one day and there were hundreds.

I have to admit, in the end, I used him. I only called him when I needed something. I mean, I gave him a lot of praise and built up his self esteem, but that wasn't enough. Did I mention he was carrying on affairs behind my back with a good portion of the world?

So please, if Jesus has sold you on the idea of 'taking you to heaven,' or something, listen to someone who knows -- that dude is a full of shit fraud.