finger foods... yumma, yumma, yumma doo!!

State Street was madness, the crowds thick and musty in the third day of mushy falling snow; moving down the sidewalk was a chore, and the stores even worse. There were only a few days left before christ mass and everyone in the greater chicago area seemed to be shopping downtown under the bright glow of red and green lights. The cold air was filled with a sense of crazy frenzy.

That was the year when Cannabalism was the big fad. Those human fingers were the best!! I get hungry as a pup without a tit remembering those red and green boxes with the break dancing elves and that hippy-esque raindeer. The commercial advertisements were especially effective that year, I guess, when they broke all our taboos about eating each other. I know I got all caught up in that ad campaign where they had a long haired, stoned looking Rudolph with Snoop Dogs voice, and all those gay, swishy elves.

Everyone wanted those specially packaged holidy edition finger snacks; people were breaking out into fights when Marshall Fields announced that they would soon be out of the delicious nibble. That was the year when all the winos sold their fingers for drinking change and had to hold their styrofoam begging cups in their teeth (after the states outlawed wino fingers, they started importing the brown ones, of course, and while a lot of people think they are less flavorful, i can't taste any difference). Writing about this little taste bud tickler makes me really, really, really hungry for one of those pinkies, the ones coated in butter and cinamon and topped with white frosting.

The Gods Of Munchy say: "I don't care what all those labor activists say about south americans being made slaves so they can have their non essential organs transplanted into paying customers, I got a weedy need to gnaw on ten of those pinkies and no reason is going to get between me and those fat filled vein cloggers."











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Killing Again....

I was out letting Ruby kill squirrels today. We are up to fifty three and a half (one was pretty badly wounded, but managed to scramble up a tree with just two and a half legs). For the sake of all that you consider Holy or funny, do not tell M. about this. She already suspects something is up because of the blood she keeps finding on Ruby's snout. I have her convinced that ruby has a secret stash of Strawberry Jelly; which I make all the more believable by hiding some jam that I put on her lips occasionally, when the stench of squirrel entrails and all the other disgusting shit she swallows down with glee becomes a bit much. I mean, Husky's have no breath, so I have to be pretty careful about this.

I am of course trying to film all of our kills. In the footage, I do a lot of close ups so the squirrels look huge and do voice overs like for a badly dubbed Godzilla import from b-movie japan, "Oh.... no.... professor, they giant squirrels lose now. Run must we from mighty hairy one with teeth of doom cheese.'

When she rips up the squirrels, their intestines remind me of Harpo Marx's hairdo. Don't try to make people laugh by wearing them as a wig though, because society just ain't ready for those kind of sophisticated laughs, or so my experiments down by the lake on other dog walkers and alarmed passers by seem to indicate.

I am usually against killing animals, but since it makes the pup so happy and watching the videos makes me laugh.... well, it's Like John Lennon said, 'Whatever gets you through the night.' A lot of people don't know he was referring to Squirrel Killing with these lyrics, but you know me, I miss nothing....



Ruby is still ignoring my orders to kill humans, though I think this squirrel slaughter has been a step in the right directions. I'm thinking, once I get her ready to kill, that I am going to go to Bahrain and take out Massah Jack-OFF=Your Son. Or maybe I'll just go after the weak and sick around here? There a couple retirement centers that would make this oh so easy.... I have notes.

Hard to tell what I'll do? The parole officers and doctors are better at predicting that stuff than me, so I leave it to them.






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DEAD PEOPLE IN MY HEAD

DEAD PEOPLE linger forever
lives are too short to forget
nothing has closure until your eyes
are sewn shut by a mortician

I want to be able to feel them
without this wall of pain between us

the horror of knowing they are just plain gone
shocking moments of realization come over and over
out of nowhere and everywhere

I need some ritualistic way to go beyond this emotional murk
a long, long arm to reach through the pain
burst out on the other side
where my memories of them are just fond
not surrounded by the taunting faces of their powdered and painted corpse

they are lost to me
hidden by this wall of pain
my living memories have been thrown into a dark room
the door has been bricked up
leaving their pale ghosts alone
gasping
whithering into the forgotten

i want my daddy
i want my brother
i want my friends
the list grows with the passing years
until a crowd of them are back there
behind that brick wall
clamoring about like rats

I hear them scratching on the walls
screams of pain as their nails tear off
as they try to dig through the brick with their bloody hands

I want them sit on the couch and talk or not
to just fill the space that they created in me
so empty now


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The Death Of Bob The Wino Knight

In one dimension, a hoboish drunk, late fifties and over-weight, sits stinky and silent on a bench in Loyola Park. No one knows that he is secretly watching everyone there, on the look out for any sort of trouble. That was his job now. He had lost everything except his need to drink... and of late, the cheap wine had started to make his brain resemble smooth vanilla pudding with chocolate chips and coconuts -- a disease that was going to help kill him in twelve days, when the first icey Northeasterner roars acrss the lake and freezes to death any wino who has the bad luck of passing out on a street corner all exposed to the evilish elements of the cold, cold wind chilled air that freezes their flesh and slows their heart down more and more, until they end up in a paupers grave . .. but that night, he was just drunk enough to feel like he could take on the world!!

He turned real quick, alerted by a movement in the corner of his eye, and saw a young women with a Depaul University shirt walking a yapping small white dog... The dog started sniffing a tree and preparing to let loose some used up foods and liquids... He watched the woman closely. He had a feeling she was just going to leave the shit and he was pissed. Really pissed. Too pissed to calm down even after the women suddenly pulled a box of blue, scented bags out of her pocket and knelt down and picked up the steaming pile of poo. He glared at her as she passed and was pleased when she quickened her step. 'Have to keep an eye out for that one,' he thought, though he knew he would forget because he forgot everything at somepoint in the day, when the wine made his speach a moan that drove away anyone he tried to bum a smoke from or tell about some squirrel that he saw that day.

There had been no crime that day... Once a cop had told him this was the safest park in the city.

Only he, Bob The Drunk, knew that he was a knight, and entirely responsible for keeping people in line. The Kids he watched especially. And of course those damn dog walkers. If they tried to get away without cleaning up, he yelled at them, made a scene... usally they ran from him and he would just have to accept that he couldn't pass out in that spot until the stuff was dry enough.. He knew that they would think twice about leaving shit in his park after his rebuke, at least. He was also worried about trolls, though he had yet to see anything more than a few of their ghosts.

And indeed, there was no crime that night; or the next, or the next... until finally, Bob laid down the doorway of a closed dry cleaner and felt the wine pull him down into blessed black. Six hours and fourteen minutes and ten seconds later, he froze to death.

Bob was quite surprised to find himself reincarnated and already an eight year old girl . . . which is why she started drinking so young and became a lesbian and changed her name back to Bob. True story.


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LAUGHING AT YOU

the taunt of the nerves
screaming 'FUCK YOU' at me
in screechin' voices of grinding veterbrae
a garage band banging away at the blessed silence
psychos with knives all up and down my spine

illness
a mental landscape filled with dangling nooses
you learn to laugh
at all the oportunites to die
missed
for this one grand and pathetic moment


learn to laugh until you sit alone in your room laughing all day

let the plants die
shit yourself
starve the animals
kill the whole the fucking planet

laugh at the darker shadows
flitting across the newscasters painted faces




just
keep laughing



because
that's
what
it's
all
about

proof inbreeding is still rampant in Tennessee

Rarely in recorded time have so many been so stupid for so long...

This guy claims that a man who was pretending to be a cop forced him, over the phone, to strip search one of his 20 year old workers and then.... have her blow him.

UNBELIEVABLY... AND THIS IS TRUE IN A WAY THAT IS MUCH TRUER THAN WHEN I USUALLY SAY TRUE... A TRUER TRUE TRUE, IF YOU WILL... This has evidently happened at various McDonalds down around what is usually considered the brother-sister fucking belt of America, Tn, Ky, where the mountains are cold and lonely, the next family often too far away to walk. McDonalds, rightly so, claims that someone should have realized this was a prank call when the supposed cop who was blaming the female employee with stealing a purse, ordered her to blow the manager. Only an alert Janitor finally went, "What the hell?" Of course the manager, a 41 year old guy who had practically zero chance of ever scoring with one of his hot young employees, was probably all happy when he realized the girl was going to go along with the request.

Thank god they got that pervert for rape, sort of... they gave him some plea where he admits no guilt, but does not contest the fact that the evidence would prove him guilty.

Again, the in breeding is even popular in legal circles, where brothers and sisters often marry to keep all the family pigs together....
Not that this diminishes the sight of those mountains down there one speck.


So, you know, next time you feel like pulling a prank on really, really stupid people, just get the number of some mcdonalds down there and pretend to be a cop who believes someone from the mcdonalds is making obscene phone calls, and needs the women on duty to recite a particular script, so your 'wtiness' can identify the alleged 'perverted phone caller' on their shift. Just insert your favorite perversion into the script you make the chick a dees recite and you could potentially cut down on your phone sex bills by thousands of dollars a month... and let me tell you, that frees up a lot of cash for orderin porn over cable...again, don't tell M. this is me, because when she notices the upswing on the charges, I am going to claim that the cat, Buk, has become addicted to internet porn.

By the way, I am kidding about acting like a cop.. this is not funny. Act like you are a cop and you go to jail... as you should. The perv.'s and criminals are always robbing people and worse after gaining their trust by pretending to be cops. Anyone whose name was so used should be pissed. The law will slap you down!!!

Of course, it does no good in a preventive sort of way for me to write this, since only inbreds don't find most of what I say obvious and interesting only in a kind of sick way that you don't want anyone else to know about... and no inbred would have read all the words it takes to get this far down teh page.. (to be kinder for some fucking reason, let me add that in breeding usually takes a couple generations to provoke serious quirks... and this is my stand until a certain cousin of mine loses her looks--she avoids me now, but my fantasy life tells me she will one day thrill me breifly at a family reunion, like in that penthouse forum letter-- which is one of the true ones).


Yea, inbreds are not exactly flocking to this sight. Irony, sarcasm, using metaphors, semi-colons, commas...

They run from such things....

grab the nearest remote and sink down into a sports trance, reducing the world to a field of big sweaty men banging into each other, chasing each other around, dancing, patting each others asses. All that fag stuff the homophobe jocks and adolescent boys are into. I mean, the whole colaseum thing for me started going downhill when they stopped having christians fight lions and leopards and bears and ostriches. Probably hamsters, too; though the evidence is scant, I am putting an article together about this for that on line encyclopedia for boofs, Whatapeeheadia--and then it will be true forever).

Below is a real article about this felonious lap licking.

Should you read all the way down through this article without feeling yourself actually growing more and more misanthropic, immiediantly email me the phone number of your dealer!!! For confidential research purposes only!!!


Andrew Wolfson
awolfson@courier-journal.com
The Courier-Journal

A Bullitt County man who claimed he was duped into sexually humiliating a teenage McDonald's worker last year by a man impersonating a police officer pleaded guilty yesterday to a felony charge of unlawful imprisonment.



In a plea bargain approved by his victim, Walter Nix Jr., 43, will get probation after agreeing to a one-year term for the felony and for sexual misconduct, a misdemeanor. He originally was charged with sodomy and assault, for which he could have been sentenced to 20 years in prison.
According to police and court records, Nix said he thought he was following an officer's orders when he directed Ogborn, who was detained four hours in the restaurant's office, to do exercises in the nude and perform oral sex on him. He also slapped her several times on her buttocks, at the direction of the caller, the records show.



The incident was the focus of a Courier-Journal story Sunday that noted that the strip-search was among at least 70 performed at fast-food restaurants and other businesses from 1995 through 2004 at the direction of a caller who claimed he was investigating crimes. Ogborn agreed to be identified by name in the newspaper.



A private prison guard, David N. Stewart, of Fountain, Fla., was charged in July 2004 with impersonating a police officer and soliciting sodomy in the Mount Washington case. He has pleaded not guilty, and his trial is set for Dec. 13. Summers is charged with unlawful imprisonment, a misdemeanor, and her trial is scheduled for Dec. 7. She also has pleaded not guilty.
Bullitt County Commonwealth's Attorney Mike Mann said in an interview yesterday that he agreed to probation for Nix because he has no prior record and because it would have difficult to persuade all 12 members of a jury to reject Nix's defense -- that he was duped by someone he thought was a law-enforcement officer.



"It would have been hard not to have one juror say, 'I might have gotten that call and done the same thing,' " Mann said.

(JOHNNY PAIN INTERRUPTING HERE..
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS JUROR??? AND ALL TWELVE OF THE THOSE BUMPKINS WENT ALONG WITH HIM!!!! SOMEONE OUT THERE THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE BROTHER-SISTER FUCKING BELT DOWN THERE IN DANIAL BOONE COUNTRY bet they feel silly now!!!))).





Still, he said he found it disturbing that anyone would believe that "sodomy is part of a lawful criminal investigation. There had to be a point where he realized that this wasn't right," Mann said of Nix.



Nix didn't explain his plea in the courtroom and left without talking to reporters. His lawyer, Kathleen Schmidt, said he was too nervous for an interview.



Ogborn's co-counsel, William C. Boone Jr., said his client approved the deal because "she wants somebody to say they are sorry and for somebody to say she did nothing wrong," both of which he said Nix has promised to say at sentencing.

"She is tired of McDonald's blaming her for what happened," Boone said.

The company also has said that agents outside its control -- Stewart and Nix -- were at fault.

The company's Louisville lawyer, W.R. "Pat" Patterson Jr., referred questions to spokeswoman Tara McClarin, who in a prepared statement said, "McDonald's regrets these unfortunate incidents and is pleased to know that those who have been criminally charged are being brought to justice."
Nix entered an Alford plea, maintaining his innocence while acknowledging there is enough evidence to convict him.
As part of the plea agreement, Mann agreed to drop an assault charge against Nix and to reduce the sodomy count to sexual misconduct, a misdemeanor punishable by up to 12 months in prison. He also raised the unlawful imprisonment charge to a felony, which carries a sentence of one to five years. Ogborn, a high school senior who had just turned 18 at the time of the incident, hadn't received a single admonition in her four months at the McDonald's when the man who called himself "Officer Scott" called and said an employee had been accused of stealing a purse. Summers said later that she picked out Ogborn because the caller's description fit her "to the T." Following the caller's instructions, Summers took Ogborn into the office and had her remove one item of clothing at a time until she was naked.

Although McDonald's said Ogborn could have left at any time, Summers had taken away her clothes, and she was able to only partially cover herself with an apron. The incident continued until a maintenance man who worked at the store questioned it and the caller hung up.

Nix and Summers were among at least 13 people across the United States charged with crimes for executing searches for the caller. Seven have been convicted of various crimes. Stewart so far has only been charged in the Bullitt County incident.

Celebrity Animals Who Have Slept Their Way To Fame

I guess I should come out with an opinion on this 'hot' topic that is sweeping across the blogs... Well, we all know Spuds Machenzie owed everything to certain oral technique which he first perfected on himself and then used to take Hollywood by storm... He had free beer!!!! For life!!! How many fucking dogs achieve that??? None. So, I don't blame him . . .

He sure could lick lap. I'm sure everyone has by now seen the tapes on the net of him lap loving Paul Schaffer while he was on the Letterman Show... I guess he had been up smoking crack and licking himself for like a week before the show, and just kind of staggered over to the band and his brain blew out and he jumped on the stunned though obviously pleased Mr. Shaffer.

Spuds never did come down they say, just sits in that hospital all doped up on thorazine and very, very slowly licks his ass over and over. . . I hear that he gets day passes out to visit the Playboy Mansion and his Scientology Auditing, but I guess he still just sits there drooling on his own privates no matter where he is.. Sad case. Like those Corey's who used to act in stoner movies like pot heads though they were really like herion addicts? They do the same thing, but on the streets. Spuds at least knew to save his money.

So, after thinking about Spuds a bit, and seeing that amazing, amazing oral artistery he once had and his now slow, ineffective manner of licking his soft bone... well, I just feel sorry for him, I guess. I mean who here can say what they would do if they could lick themselves?

The classic tale of animal whoring always was and of course always will be -- Flipper.

I don't know if I can add anything to the whole 'blow hole' scene that emerged out in Hollywood at that time... I mean, that horny sea stud, I have a poster of him pumping Tryone Powers in the ass, while James Dean hip whacks his blow-hole and Shirly McClain lickis a pickle sticking out of his ass... Everyone bought that one... but, besides the well known stuff... I happen to have heard he was the one who first gave Drew Barrymore Blow...

They say she crawled faster than any of the other infants at the commercial tryouts. Yea, Flipper was the one who convinced Drew's Mom to drug the tot and let Roman Polanksi babysit and all this other shit that lead to her unique and quirky brillance. The Flip took her mom out, and just for a goof--for an anecdote to tell to his jaded celebrity buddies, he got her stoned on acid and weed and hypnotized her into giving her kid speed and letting her hang out with micheal jackson and that damn chimp that he has butt fucking him 24 hours a day (a habit he picked up from Elizabeth Talyor, who actually eats the monkeys through out the day and is always calling in for more).

When Flipper died, everyone said he od'd, but no...
that's just less embarrassing than the truth, which is what his official biographers have been saying forever. . . . I happen to know he died from rectal bleeding, after getting fisted by a bull elephant that he kept all methed up and chained by his pool.


Oh, well... this topic saddens me so. I wish animals could get parts without having to sleep their way through production office after production office, but that is just the way things are done. I mean, everytime I see a pup on some commercial, I know that it isn't an innocent, oh no... not after being on the hundreds of couches it takes to make it in that business. Poor little lap lickers. Remember them around the holidays, and for those few blessed days, try not to throw shoes at them when they start licking themselves... for the animals, dammit!!!

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