Welcome to the mind of John Scott Ridgway. Beware falling rocks and angels.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER WHAT THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY CALLS THE 'WITTING.' The implication being anyone who doesn't know what is truly going on in the world is 'unwitting.' I have an academic/artist background that includes three books, oil painting, radio and tv... though mostly, I write on the web and give the words away. Better read than dead, I always say. I studyied military intelligence, cults, english, history, and philosophy, among other subjects that I took in my quest to have something to say in my work.... I am proud to say I studied under peaceful warriors, like Dr. Danial Stern, an icon in the sixties who hung out with the panthers, dealt with agent provocaters, spies.


Find me on facebook at john scott ridgway... there are two of me... one is active. I trust you can figure it out. Doing a lot of stuff there. Basically showing my daily trek throughout the dozens of papers I peruse while waiting in some bush, pr parked somewhere, you know, out stalking, or whatever, you know... hunting humans, maybe... but not in an illegal way. Really.

I urge you to try out my new Jesus, blog, too. He is nothing like you have read before. This creature from the planet Heaven is mistaken for an alien, a cult leader, a terrorist.... Military intelligence agents and secrets are thrown all over in this blog.... please spread my writing whereever forfree... The book is not just for Christians. I am almost an agnostic... I, Christ... will lead you to heaven, or at least give you a lot to think about. After years of getting mostly a's in college, I can at least parrot a few things you have not heard.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Dusting Myself Off And Crawling On...

I am just now stepping out of a dark room;

a room filled with the paraphenilia of self torture,

a room I fall into by accident,
through trap doors that are hidden all over the world and beyond,
a room somewhere behind my blue eyes.

In a less dramatic vein, this could mean a lot of things. As usual, I am reluctant, in my heart of hearts, to declare any one answer correct.

1) I am going through a seasonal depression?
2) I went off a serotonin uptake drug and the delicate balance of chemicals in my gray matter went hay-wire
3) I am not one of those people who has a thick skin at all and indeed think such a skin would destroy what I think of as a poetic sesibility... and I flipped out when my beloved Mr Yeats, the tiger kitty, died in my arms.
4) I overtaxed my pleasure centers with valium and just had little juice left when I came back.... especially since I am so sick of taking valium that I am just going to take more pain, rather than go through the bullshit that happens to me whenever I start taking those pills... I consider myself someone who knows how to use drugs, but more importantly, I am someone who stays away from really destructive drugs. Like herion or acid or speed or coke. I was a kid once, but other than that, my attitude toward drugs has had to as cautious as my attitude toward drink. I had to give up drinking. I am just not as amoral as the drunken me, and his behavior embarrasses and complicates the lives of the rest of us up here in this head.

When this person in my head is confident, I am one person. When he is stricken and abhorred, another. Or so I experience myself. Generally. Occasionally something comes along that genuinely puzzles me about myself.

Suicidal ideations are one of them. I do not wish to die, really. I don't fear death, for whatever reason, but I do not wish it on myself. Mostly because of how other people would be effected by such a death, but of course also because my little fire behind the eyes would be snuffed out and I don't believe there is anything more than that.

I remember myself once telling an atheist, when I was not, that I did not know how he could keep living in this life if he believed there was nothing afterwards? I was going through a strong bout of using religion to get my life together and provide some reason for crawling on.

don't steal my shit.... no use what-so-ever of this material is lawful, unless you have my permission.... don't make me come smack the shit out of you.

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