me and jesus had one of those nasty break ups.

Jesus and me had a thing for awhile, and man did we ever have a messy, ugly break up. There was name calling -- me saying he was a fraud, him yelling at me that I would go to hell if we broke up. There was a lot passion there, though, and like all romantic fools, I kept taking him back again and again -- even after he broke all kinds of promises, was always contradicting himself, and, worse yet, he was always going out and starting wars and shit. He is one of those lovers who just wants your whole soul, you know? I mean, he told me it was a sin to even look at another deity. I mean, come on, who doesn't like to look? It's not like we were praying together or anything, but there was no telling that wrathful god much of anything.

I can take a lot from someone I love, but I knew it was over when I heard about how he went and started the crusades, and then led that witch hunt in europe and backed up colonialism.... well, you can imagine how this relationship would look to dr phil.


The weirdest thing about me and Jesus break up is how people are always tellling me to get back into a relationship with the guy.

He also changes his name a lot, too, which is suspicious? Sometimes he calls himself allah, sometimes buddha... the list is just about endless. I came across a bunch of fake id's one day and there were hundreds.

I have to admit, in the end, I used him. I only called him when I needed something. I mean, I gave him a lot of praise and built up his self esteem, but that wasn't enough. Did I mention he was carrying on affairs behind my back with a good portion of the world?

So please, if Jesus has sold you on the idea of 'taking you to heaven,' or something, listen to someone who knows -- that dude is a full of shit fraud.