THE HAMSTER ARMY IS READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS... sort of.

No matter what the naysayer, M., thinks.

I know that by having all these hamsters in my head, doing all the dark deeds that need to reluctantly be done to insure my future as a God like the Egyptian Pharaohs, I AM PREPARING the fiercest and most cuddly killing force the Chicago metropolitan area has ever seen.

Having all these hamsters in my head makes it possible for me to quickly train new recruits specifically for the jobs that my Mind Hamsters are doing. I need 64 to kill a human. That's it. Which isn't that many, really. That M. though, she acts like a mere 64 hamsters would, quote, ". . . take over the whole goddamn apartment."

She then added, much to my chagrin, "You can only have three, and if they have babies you have to take them back. We talked about this."

Whenever she says 'we talked about this,' she means she has bitched at me on this point before. She only wants three around because Ruby Ann, who so far has gotten to every army, gets sick if she eats more than three.

Despite my best efforts at security, Ruby Dog the Husky Sis, uses her wiley wolf ways to find just the right moment when I can't get to her until after she has gulped down my semi-armed forces.

Not these latest ones, though. I got them last night. About nine pm. Now it is morning and I am listening to Piano Classics on my computer. And I am not going to sleep until they are trained to defend themselves. I have to, believe me... Ruby keeps looking toward the backroom and licking her lips. Earlier I caught her by their door salivating. She knows that if I am awake, will stop her from getting at the army, so she waits patiently for me to go to sleep. I have seen her do this many, many times in the past. She shows no interest in what she wants while we are awake, but man let her think we are not going to catch her and she will be nabbing any candy on the table, bread left out, and a tasty bit in a can from the garbage can.

M. still holds firm on her no torture policy. She finally did let me get some hamsters again. It took her awhile to cool down after my experiments with making hamsters fly on paper airplanes. We live on the third floor and have a balcony overlooking a court yard with a statue of two children holding each other, and I mistakenly tried to teach the hamsters to do some kamikaze work... then when M. came home I tried to pretend they weren't my hamsters when anyone would have known they were, so the lie made things worse...

Cleaning up all the hamsters smashed on the concrete courtyard proved for sure that if Ruby eats too many hamsters she will get sick. Like M. warned me, and I poo-pooed off. Her barf looked like little fetuses... Yes, I had to clean up the smashed hamsters in the courtyard, even the one that hit the white statues of the kids and made the boy look like he was bleeding from the top of his head.

Ruby helped tremendously by gulping them down. The cat Buk did his part by licking off the blood from the concrete and the statue. Two people came out of the apartments and into the courtyard and just for the hell of it I started mumbling, "Satan, live with this blood. Help me to do this dark deed...."

They abruptly quickened their steps. I figure they are probably the ones who called the cops, who happened to show up, as they do, hours after I was done. When the Chicago's Sometimes Finest rang my bell, I was ready, because I saw them interviewing all of our neighbors across the way. I pulled my hear back, put on a Hawaiian shirt and black jeans, new converse shoes. At the door I called them sir. Said yes sir, or no sir to all his questions... then invited them in for a drink. They say they don't have time. I say let me at least get y you a coke to drink?"
I could tell they were hot, in their bullet proof jackets, as they lumbered about our artment building trying to find the Satanist who was sacrificing cats in the statues.
Once I had the cops under my spell of Scott the normal, good looking guy, I told them that I knew the woman who made the quote. "She has a head condition," I told them.? I took her out once and she told me she hears voices, sees things. I mean, come on, who is going to do such a thing. I have a cat myself. And a dog. I'm sorry you gentlemen had to waste so much of your valuable time."

They believed me. Just left my flat and walked back to their car. The woman was out there and they told her, "You can file a complaint at city hall, but there's no evidence."

The second cop, who until then was just watching his partner talk to the old lady, suddenly started laughing. His partner then joined in, and they kept laughing as they got in their squad car. I couldn't hear them, but I'll bet they said.

COP ONE
We should charge her with filing an erroneous report.
Cop two
Shit, you going to the paperwork?
One:
Oh, yea... you're right.
Two
What a fucking order. Satanists in that fucking courtyard. Who the hell took the call that sent us over her.
COP TWO
Yea, you know what I¢m thinking?
Cop One
You always ask me that, every damn day when the dunkin donuts put out the fresh donuts.
COP TWO
I thought you thought it was funny?
Cop One
Just once, okay Damn, you got me thinking about them donuts. They¢re gonna come out in five minutes, and they will be incredible for about an hour, then? well, you just can¢t eat those old donuts when you know? Shit, we¢re gonna have to put on the siren and blow all the lights and shit to get there on time. Well, go ahead and turn on the sirens.
COP ONE
Alright, I knew you¢d come around, you big handsome hunk of a man.
COP TWO
QUIT HITTING ON ME!!


Back to the Satanic Loving Hamster Army...
I am hoping to use indigenous people in their present positions, and unlike Bush in Iraq, I won't have to worry about people revolting and all. These cops, it warms my heart to write, will be paid more and have more of his ilk backing him up when the streets get nasty when the world is in my hands. Instead of torturing them like what was done, they should have been won over with kindness, at least when ever possible. An over all policy of torturing prisoners is a very scary thought. Travel abroad will grow riskier and riskier as the other countries insulted target civilians, and especially clubs in Europe that are frequented by Americans.