Today, bored and kind of coffee-d up, I decided to start going door to door around the neighborhood spreading the word of Atheism... (I was ready to consider even a staunce agnosticism in a pinch, at least when I was dealing with the weak and fearful).
I put together a little pamplet, titled, CONVERT NOW OR DIE. I figured this would get people's attention, as well as make clear why I was so heavily armed. Put on a suit coat and a black t shirt reading I FUCKED YOUR GRANDMOTHERS ASS AND USED HER DIARREAH FOR LUBRICANT, some sloppy loose jeans that would allow for deadly use of my flying feet, and went out to save a little bit of the world.
The first apartments I went to were my neighbors, since I had glimpsed a cross in their kitchen one day and knew they needed some help. "Hello???" I screamed at their door as I knocked loud and hard, rapping like a cop, "get your jew-on-a-stick religion out here where I can stomp on that shit."
They wouldn't answer the door. I found this odd, but then it seemed to happen over and over. I think people were looking through their peep hole and seeing my guns. I hide them better at the next apartment, and sure enough, someone opens the door with their chain on, pushing her nose out, an elderly woman asks me, "What do you want?"
"Mam, do you know god?"
"No, why does he owe you money?" Her answer comes quick and is followed by a smirk.
"NO, no... I'm here to kill the gods, actually. Any of them. You have one in there?"
"What? With my fixed income, you think I could afford to keep a god in here? The food bill alone would wipe out my stamps."
I thanked the woman and continued on... throughout the rest of the day, I found a few more christians. All were quick to repent once I had the barrel of an M-!6 jammed up their asses. Got to clean that gun tonight.
Anyways, I am going to try to go to everyone's house in the whole world over the course of the next few years, until I am sure that everyone has heard the non-word.
Will I succeed? No, no... but at least I will be able to look myself in the eye and know I tried. Though M. thinks that just because I 'tried' to do something, that I have actually done nothing. We had a big fight about this, after she asked me about the garbage and I told her that I have been trying to get myself to take out the garbage, and how that effort alone had tired me out too much to get to the other parts of the task. Somehow, no matter how well I explained this to M., she kept saying shit like, "You mean you did nothing, right?"
SO JUST KNOW, NEXT TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU KNOW GOD . . . that they just might be heavily armed atheists and your answer could well determine whether or not you are going to get a shotgun enema!!!!!
copywrite 2006 john scott ridgway