Spike the caustic, half-drunk, sixty some year old retired cab driver -- who is now fat, bald, and my pot dealer, told me today, "All of your stories have boogers in them. You know what I mean ( there was no question mark in his sentence)."
I always think that I am done being irritated by Spike's cantankerousness, and then he comes out with something like this.
"Uh, Spike, I most certainly have no idea where the boogers are in my work."
"It's like, I'm reading along and the words are okay, or whatever... and then suddenly I'm staring down some Wombat's ass, or someone's being killed all bloody and ugly. Why you gotta do that?"
I will add more to this later... but it is true, there are boogers in my stories, when you put it like this...
Spike told me this after I told him that a couple people walked out on my show looking all offended by Celebrity Animals That Slept Their Way To The Top... in fact, his first response to this tale was, "Yea, sure, of course people walked out. I would of walked out. If I didn't know you. I just don't like boogers, and all of your stories have boogers in them. You know what I mean."
I am such a loser.... according to old Spike, who also said my writing was filled with 'farts,' and then went on to make extensive fart noises and such.. though, like I say in the comments section, there are no farts in my work, hardly.... I thought there were none, then I remembered the thing about Spike being my 'fart buddy.' He brought that 'fart business' up though, when he was trying to tell me that he knew me well enough to fart in front of me -- to which I responded that I do not know anyone well enough to be their 'fart buddy,' and hope that I never know anyone well enough to be a so-called 'fart buddy's.'
That old bastard!!! Criticising me for farts on my site, when he let the only farts in here... he is just he kid of guy to throw some boogers into the stew, then complain about the little chewy chunks!!!
copywrite 2006 john scott ridgway