PEOPLE KEEP FORCING ME TO KILL THEM

I am getting sick of all the people who force me to kill them. You know what I mean. Last night I was on the el train coming home from scoring a little weed, sitting there buzzing and drawing. Around me was a very normal crowd of all colors. Then The But came on the train, loud talking into a headset phone. She is cursing like mad, everything is, "Fuck that Bitch." She sits down right by me of course.I tell her, "Hey, turn that down." She doesn't hear me, so I tap her shoulder with my drawing pad. Looking all shocked, she says, "Oh, we got a white black thing going on.... Jennie..."

 I don't know what else she was going to say. I pulled the Bowie knife oot of my waist, sttood up and then used both hands to bury that sharp metal down deep her skull.A couple people clapped, so I took a bow.Later, I am out walking Ruby Dog, Mary Ann is with me, the cold winter has let up temporarily and we are loving being out neighborhood, our walk, each other. I remember that we are getting low on milk, so I ask Mary Ann to hold onto the dog while I go into this carry out.I go in and grab a half gallon. The guy who runs/owns/probably lives in the back with his three wives and four indentured slaves/ talks on his cell phone throughout our transaction. I get my change and turn to leave and the bag breaks.... the milk is fine, so I go back to the guy and he tries to give me ONE BAG again. I go, "Hey, it just broke with one, so it has to be double bagged.

""Now you are costing me three bags," he says.

 I had my change and my double bagged milk and there was no reason anymore for me to pretend to be nice. AS I walk out I tell him, "You're a total asshole. You fuck your mother in the ass. You suck off your father, don't you?" Arab guys get really pissed off by this (learned that while driving cab, where actually I got along with the arabs perfectly well). He followed me out the door screaming something about me being a bad customer. I just gave the fucker my back.

 He tried to sting me, so I had to sting him.Since I was with M., I couldn't really do shit to the guy. She gets so pissed when she has to testify against me. I calmed down the best I could, and M. was proud of me for 'being an adult and walking away from violence.' She almost made me feel guilty, because all the while I knew that I would be going back to that guys store and basically try to destroy his life. Assholes. They have to be gotten out of the gene pool.Around Midnight, when M. was deep in her sleep, I took an empty gallon of milk and went down to the gaf station on the corner, filled it up for a buck fifty. I took the gasoline down into the basement, to our storage room, and hid it away for later -- when the gasoline attendent will have half forgotten that I came down and got gas.

Two weeks passed. I added this guy to my stalking list, which is pretty crowded at this point, so I had to let my survaillance go on certain people who are of interest to me for reasons I can't even begin to understand. His name turned out to be Halik Brlin, so I just called him Rab. A pompous fuck, he was cheating on his wife and his girlfriend, doing three women, and all of them fat, unattractive, and kind of loud mouthed; basically, white trash. He drank all day long, beat his kids, his wife. Over bearing isn't strong enough for the naZI EMPIRE that he created in his house.... He was also insured for quite a bit of money. I was happy to see all of this, as you can imagine...necause, of course, hatred for your enemies makes your balls grow bigger.I decided to cook him in his car. He had a two door escort, so all I needed to do was put a chain around the doors, pour on the gas and listen to that rude motherfuckers death cries. I caught him that night, as he was coming out of his store. Put my gun right into the side of his head and told him, "I want your money, and then I am I am going to tie you up to get a running staret. I don't mind shooting your ass -- and I will if you give me the slightest fucking problem. I know you got a fucking gun, too, so hand it over."

 During the stalk, I had seen him trying to imporess women with some fucking tiny liuttle pearl derringer he carried -- the poodle of guns.He handed over the gun, then a big wad of bills. "Give me your car keys." I tell him.He hands them over, too.Once he is inside, I take the chaing and throw it over the roof of the car, then get down on my stomach and push one end under the car, chain it together tight.When he sees me coming at the him with a jug of gasoline, he starts trying to break the windows. I slosh the stuff all over the escort, going front to back, getting some on the sides, event he tires. He is using his bloody hands to try and smash out the drivers side window. He could probably do it if he layed down and used his feet, but of course there was no way in hell I was going to tell him that. I tossed a paper match and the Gasoline soaked, maroon escort went up in magniificent shards of red and orange and yellow.

Don't ask me why, but at the last second, I started thinking about all of this guys kids. Wondering if they were better off without him. I had a baseball bat, for in case he did break out, and could easily still save him... then I remembered all the insurance money they would get, and that no matter how many tears they cried, his kids were better off being rich and free of assholes. Not to mention, my mission is of course to cleanse the gene pool of assholes.




THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

cancer is eating the eel in my head

ZOMBIE JESUS IS EATING THE EEL .....If ever a true life adventure was meant for the Hallowed Pages of The Reader's Digest Condensed Version, it's this day of mine -- which may even make it into the hardbound Best Of The Year Addition.At ten o clock this morning, I was diagnosed with no less than deadly highly deadly diseases. The pain was so intense that they shot me up with so much morphine that the diseases actually seemed worth it..I found out the grim reaper was standing in the corner of the emergency room where I was splayed out having some kind of tube shoved into my nostril. A shrew faced doctor with a pompous air whose taste in suites and ties amused his co-workers, broke the news to me in a loud, white emergency room. The youngish, earnest, bloody looking dude told me, "You should already be dead. With all of these ten deadly diseases, only a superhuman constitution could live this far...""Yes, yes..." I told him, "Tell me something I don't know?' I'm fucking Johnny Pain, alright?""And you don't do something about this shit, I am kicking every ass in here, man.... patients and all. Hell I'll do some of my own brand of surgery on your ass, boy!"Well, I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I.... this started before the hospital, the ambulance ride, the green jello... Odd day. M and I were awakened by a dense rain of toads falling dwon from the bedroom ceiling. Most, disgustingly enough, were urinating on the way down... M for some reason blamed me... She thought that i had the toads to get stoned on... They aren't the kind that you can get stoned on, though... and god don't I know it... I licked them all and I can pretty much gaurantee you that they enjoyed the experience a hell of a lot more than me .. the horny bastards spewed on my toungue. I tried to get up out of bed and noticed these welts all over me, and that when I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, they both broke into compound fractors that spewed blood across the white walls of me bedroom. I screamed and screamed for help, and finally, during a commercial break in M.'s favorite local news show, she came into the bedroom and asked me in a snide voice, "Are you trying to get out of walking the dog? Some people gotta work, art-boy." She always suspects me of subterfuge like this, so why should this time be any different, I suppose?Then she kind of saw all the blood around my arms and got a concerned look and said, "You broke something of mine. Someting glass. Don't lie now, what was it?"I may have passed out at that point, or she beat me unconscious, depending who you believe; sleeping in the same room with this woman and her knives kind of makes my sanity require that I go with passing out, though Mary Ann answer's on the topic have all been, well, somewhat non- commital.Then this pot belly pig floated in through the window of the hospital room, wearing a shiny, red velvet vest, smiling broadly as he drifted up to the ceiling fan, reached out his rhoof, took ahold and allowed himself to be spun around the room a few times and then let loose and shot back out into the robin egg sky from which he had come. As he receeded off into a robin egg sky filled with thin, wind whisked whisps of white, I distinctly saw the pig give us all what could only be described as a 'merry wink.' That Night, I reasearched all the ancient pig myths on the net, and though most of them turned out to be bestiality sites, there was one that told of pig named KLOPI who was taught to use some fundamental words, and seemed to have told a tale about a pig god that winks a log, and can fly. Thank god for Wiccapedia... when you really have to know the latest.You can guess the rest, of course... The next day, my doctors could not believe how good I looked. After about ten thousand tests, they were just amazed to find out that all of my ten deadly diseases were simply gone. Yes. I suspect aleins, but I ain't looking no gift horses in the mouth you know...I AM NOW CURED OF ALL TEN DEADLY DISEASES THAT WERE TO KILL ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OUT...Yes, My miraculous recovery will obviously be written up in many a medical journal.I WOULD BE SELFISH TO KEEP THIS KIND OF HEALING POWER TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I LIVE IN A HOLY ENVIRONMENT WHERE ALL ARTIFACTS ARE INFUSED WITH WHAT I CALL CRYSTAL JIZZ. CRYSTAL JIZZ IS EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR CRYSTAL, BECAUSE IT CAN GROW INTO SUPER CRYSTAL WITH TEN MILLION TRILLION TIMES THE POWER OF OTHER CRYSTALS WHEN GESTATATED WITH THE OVUMS OF WOMAN FROM VENUS. I have been able to harnass these powerful, cosmic, flows of crystal jizz into a nice pendent of a pig that you just have to wear around your neck for like a week to learn more than Buddha ever dreamt of under his boddi. tree. At 68.99 plus 34 dollars shipping and handling, Nirvana has never been cheaper!!!Trust me on this, alright? SEND FOR YOU CRYSTAL JIZZ before you die from one of the ten deadly diseases* we are guaranteed to cure you of.(Actual list of diseases cured is Confidential Company information).



. . . AND ZOMBIE JESUS IS EATING THE EEL .....This amazing human story is meant for the hallowed pages of the Reader's Digest condensed version if ever a true life tale of adventure was!!!!!!!! About ten o clock this morning, I was diagnosed with no less than ten deadly diseases. They shot me up with so much morphine that I believed all of the diseases were worth it, actually...I found out the grim reaper was standing in the corner of the emergency room where I was splayed out having some kind of tube shoved into my nostril. A shrew faced doctor with a pompous air whose taste in suites and ties amused his co-workers broke the news to me in a loud, white emergency room where I went in after starting to bleed from embarrassing places). The youngish, earnest, bloody looking dude told me, "You should already be dead. With all of these ten deadly diseases, only a superhuman constitution could live this far...""Yes, yes..." I told him, "Tell me something I don't know?' I'm fucking Johnny Pain, alright?""He could die right now?" Some intern added.Then a nurse was like, "No.... he could die....right.........now!""Me next," says the doctor. "Okay.... now!!!"I had a pretty good idea that they were betting on when I was going to die, and they confirmed as much later when... Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. This morning I was awakened by a dense rain of toads falling from my bedroom ceiling. Most were urinating. M./ of course blamed me for this somehow... And these were not the toads you can get all stoned from, and god don't I know it... I licked them all and I can gaurantee you they enjoyed the experience a hell of a lot more than me -- horny bastards spewed on my toungue... I tried to get up out of bed and noticed these welts all over me, and that when I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, they both broke into compound fractors that spewed blood across the white walls of me bedroom. I screamed and screamed for help, and finally, during a commercial break in M.'s favorite local news show (she won't dress until she knows the weather), she came into the bedroom and asked me in a snide voice, "Are you trying to get out of walking the dog? Some people gotta work, art-boy." She always suspects me of subterfuge like this, so why should this time be any different, I suppose?Then she kind of saw all the blood around my arms and got a concerned look and said, "You broke something of mine. Someting glass. Don't lie now, what was it?"I may have passed out at that point, or she beat me unconscious, depending who you believe; sleeping in the same room with this woman and her knives kind of makes my sanity requires that I go with passing out, though Mary Ann answer's on the topic have all been, well, somewhat non- commital.This grey and red and white speckled pot belly pig floated in through the window of the hospital room, pushed through the white curtains weary a shiny red velvet vest, smiling broadly as he drfted up to the ceiling fan, grabbed it with his hoof, spoun himself around in a circle and whipped back out into the sunny day from which he had come. He flew back up high over an apple tree, and then as he started to disappear in whisps of wind whisked white, he winked at me. The most merry wink.I felt better right away, which wasn't easy with all that morphine they were giving me for the pain of dying from ten of the deadliest diseases known to man (the kind you can pick up anywhere, even from anti-bacteria wipes). That night as I layed around really, really getting into this lawrence welk special, it came to that I would get me a pot belly pig and that I would be cured.Well, you can guess the rest. I woke up the next morning in perfect health. Those doctors had never seen anything like this before, but when I told them that I had been cured by natures healers, they pointed out that pot belly pigs alone could not have done this. Well, this made us look further, and of course that is when we discovered The Honorable KING OF PIGS, FLOGON SQUINTY ONE WITH MANY FLAPS OF FLAPPY, one of the few Pot Belly Pigs who will work on Humans. After what we have done to them, who can blame the little shits?Of course we have all of the proof of this in our brochure. You didn't think we would keep something this good to ourselves, did you? Hell No. We are going to save the whole damn world, people.YES!!!!!!!!!I AM NOW CURED OF ALL TEN DEADLY DISEASES THAT WERE TO KILL ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OUT...Yes, My miraculous recovery will obviously be written up in many a medical journal.I WOULD BE SELFISH TO KEEP THIS KIND OF HEALING POWER TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I LIVE IN A HOLY ENVIRONMENT WHERE ALL ARTIFACTS ARE INFUSED WITH WHAT I CALL . . .CRYSTAL JIZZ, CRYSTAL JIZZ. THESE ARE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR CRYSTAL, BECAUSE THEY CAN GROW INTO SUPER CRYSTAL WITH TEN MILLION TRILLION TIMES THE POWER OF OTHER CRYSTALS ... though only when GESTATATED WITH THE OVUMS OF WOMAN FROM VENUS, who have yet to be discovered. I have however been able to harnass these invisible crystal Jizz particles into a gold pendant of the KING OF PIGS, FLOGON SQUINTY ONE WITH MANY FLAPS OF FLAPPY. Where this powerful symbol of the runny snout for a week and you will learn more than Buddha dreamt of under his bodi tree. This little pig... he used to look like Piglet, but Disney wanted too much of a cut... anyways, umm, Hey, SEND FOR YOU CRYSTAL JIZZ before you die from one of the ten deadly diseases we are guaranteed to cure you of.*(Actual list of diseases cured BY CRYSTAL JIZZ is Confidential Company information).BECOME A DISTRIBUTOR OF CRYSTAL JIZZ AND SHIFTY VAC AND BE A MILLIONARE BY NEXT TUESDAY -- IF YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES, AND MOST DO!!! LET US BE SAINTS TOGETHER!!! Hey, sounds like a cult is in order. I am glad someone brought that up. Of course I would have to lead, since I have the loudest shouting voice.THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

"I follow you whoever you arefrom this day forwardmy words itch at your ears until you understand them.'
Walt Whitman-----------------------------
Okay, maybe this is a CIA funded Black Operation meant to brain wash you into boosting the sagging economy by forgiving the uppity, icicle shut cunt and start buying more items from the new Martha Stewart collection...
EXPECT MAD DONNA TO EAT MAGGOT PATE WITH CRUNCHY BAKED WARTS
Some guy with an English accent told her that they did this, and though of course he was kidding, the newly somewhat English accented sperm drippier took him seriously and de
manded that some be made for her immediately. Now that she is dining on the pate with almost every meal, none of the servants have had the heart to beak it to their notoriously vindictive, bitch, controlling boss... Big surprise).
MASSAH-JACK-OFF-YOUR-SON-TO BE HUNTED DOWN AND SKINNED
People who prey on children need to be hunted down.
FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, NOW COKED OUT, DRUNK, KILLING WHORES AND MOOCHING WEED OFF OF JOHNNY PAIN.
It's all too damn true... That fucker has the dea monitoring me to find out when I score, pops in at all hours and grabs a handfuls...
THERE'S JOHNNY PAIN'S SERIAL KILLING, I got dropped on my head down two flights of steps when I was a kid.
VEGETABLE MOLESTED CHARGES am still denying anything to do with this. I c
AND DOZENS AND DOZENS OF TALES OF A BOY AND HIS DOG.
I would like to think my classically forever education informs them with half hidden ghosts who still hold on to the old laws of justice and valor and rock and roll...--------------------------------------------------------You come in here, you better expect to have your religion challenged in a way that you can't easily just consider an insult... Unless you are too far gone, and I pity you even as I defecate on your cross. Trust me, stay around long enough to get your brain washed (it needs it -- your ideas stink). If there really is a god, I give you permission to convince me okay?
You have stumbled into the words of Johnny Pain, an experienced, educated and disabled writer/performer, who lately does mostly comedy and stories about a myriad of topics: sci-fi, love, getting fronts from mean dealers, trying to sublimate chronic back disease into something worth a bit more than a whine....
LOOKING FOR FUNNY MATERIAL FOR YOUR webSIGHT, Zine... SOMEONE TO OPEN FOR YOUR BAND? Let me know.... I am going to put together a tour, hitting the houses of fans and selling some of my work. Anyone interested in setting me up with any assistant, let me know.
Agents, script writers, theatre groups and film folk and actors looking for new and effective words that are somewhat unique, get laughs and are entirely original and are yours for the mere courtesy of credit (unless money is made), consideration in future projects, and the ability to tape the show for my website. Cartoons and animators who are interested in working me can also contact me here. Legitimate investors can smoke my weed, alright? You cartoons and artists and shit have to bring your own.
I have published short stories, poetry, song lyrics; I am just beginning to shop a novel about poets and war and the effects of killing on the killers; the art in here is mine; I had a couple little television shows 20 years ago that no one knows about-- I didn't have any idea what I was doing, and we were kicked off the air live over some nudity ispanking issue... even after like thirteen years of higher education, I was so stupid that my incredible professors were barely able to bring me up to the speed of the average European sixth grader.. At least this is the shit that won't embarrass me too much or lead to any arrests. You will unfortunately find that shit peppered throughout because I really can be a stupid, stupid ass.=====================
Thank you to my sponsor. . .
QUEST CAFE & Computer Stuff7300 NORTH SHERIDAN Rd.
They do all sorts of computer work. Sell them too.... check them out. Mention me and get a free blow job... =========================
PLEASE, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO SELL OUT...

**********************************


I was once a moth gently munching on the shroud of Turin. These words are for the onewho ignited the flame.
===========================

The Art Of Pain

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

best pick up line ever

I know a lot of you people who read this have a hard time meeting members of any sex or even species to cater to your sick, meaningless urges for the latest hyper-thrill... you rely on that miracle of this century, plastics... Plastic dolls, plastic dicks, plastic clits, plastic balls, plastic crusty but hairs... and the old standard, panties dipped in tuna juice, have really become your best friend... this is fucking pathetic, okay?

Normally, I just really try not to think about the stuff that you people are into ... it leads to... well, a short thrill followed by hours and hours of standing in the shower soaping myself up with lava and screaming over and over again, "I am unclean, unclean!!"

Still, even if the neighborhood dogs had not told me to swear off sex with the living, I probably would have quit anyways. The blood and murder was cool, but... well, sometimes, when I have intercourse afterwards with the warm corpse, I have to fantasize about other stuff... like killing puppies. I love that little yap they make when you cut their throat (though you have to careful with them, because when they die, their sphincter's release and they actually squirt shit. If you are not careful where you aim their buts while slitting their soft, warm throats, you could put out an eye, man).

Anyways, the pick up line is this....

For proper use, go up to your prey in a public place, where you can most easily start building a false sense of security in them. Do not have any weapons showing when you try this, and for gods sake, just this once, clean your goddamn nails, okay? You cannot be expected to be at your peak killing with rotting intestines under your nails. The smell alone will drive some women away, though puppes will be attracted... 'Yap! Yap!' they go.

Okay, look the 'it' in the eye, and use your best Phil Hartman sleaze voice to say, "Baby, I would like to cut your mother's head off and fuck her throat hole... just like I did my dear old mom." Now, make it out like you are kidding about this, okay? Making fun of serial killing is one hell of a good way of hiding your actual killing behind a facade of moralistic humorizing... trust me on this.


THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

was it my hair???

I have been trying to get a part time job and having no success what so ever. M. finally convinced me to record one of my interviews and then go over it later to see if I did anything wrong. Below is the typed version.



"Hello, Mr. Pain. My name is Fantick Flitterbum, and I'll be interviewing you for the job today."
"Great, thank you. You know, you are very handsome man and it would be a pleasure working where I could just see you once in awhile. Not that I'm an ass angler or anything."
"Huh, well... thank you. Looking over your resume, I see that you were involved in umm, 'euthanizing small animals?' It says here that you worked out of your home. Uhm, where is the name of the company that you worked for?"
"Oh, it wasn't that kind of company. I did the euthanizing on my own, as kind of a public service. I've always taken an interest in killing things, you know? I mean, you got a cat in the basement, you send me down there with just a stapler... just a stapler, too, because anything more deadly really makes the fight a little uneven."
"I love cats myself."
"Oh, me, too. I love all animals. Except fucking wombats."
"Wombats?"
"My dad died at the hands of a wombat... and my younger brother was raped by one. You would think that would be enough, but no... then they framed me. That's why I was in jail from the age of four until twenty one. Oh, on the resume that's when I say I went to harvard and got all them degrees... which is technically true."
"Technically true?"
"Technically speaking, yes."
"Okay, tell me, do you have any experience working at a women's make up counter?"
"No, no... well, sometimes... well, okay, here is why I figured I could do this job, see? Once in awhile I dress up like my desceased great grandmother and pay prostitutes to masterbate with my cane. I have been told that I am just an artist with the make up. I pay them to say it, but the way they say it shows they really mean it. I also have them talk about my enormous penis.... well, monstrous really. I have pictures in my wallet, here... these have not been touched up in anyway, either."
"Mr. Pain, I really don't wish to know... could you please put those pictures away.... in fact, I'm going to have security escort you out."
"Hey, man, don't get all jelous. I could like do your girlfriend, too, man... though the looks of you, you're problem into some weird shit... that's cool, that's cool.... I say, if you don't get arrested for doing it, it can't be any fun right?"

Then these fuckers from Security kind of pushed me out the door.


I finish typing this up and feel like I was really burned. I mean, maybe I should not have brought up the whole 'monstrous penis' thing. M specificially told me not to mention the monstrous one in the interview. 'Do not bring up this supposedly 'monstrous' dick of yours." She said. But reading this through, I don't see anything wrong with this. It is probably the way I dressed. The punk shirts do get a cool reaction when I walk through the office to the interviews, though. Today I had one on that said, 'Fuck My Earwax. ' THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.

EVERLASTING HEALTH FOR SALE....really.

Earlier today, I was diagnosed with no less than ten deadly diseases. They shot me up with so much morphine that I believed all of the diseases were worth it...

The doctor broke the news in the white, white emergency room where I went in after starting to bleed from my hair follicles (and other less embarrassing places).
The youngish, earnest, bloody looking dude told me, "You should already be dead. With all of these ten deadly diseases, only a superhuman constitution could live this far..."

"Yes, yes..." I told him, "Tell me something I don't know?'
"He could die right now?" Some intern added.
Then a nurse was like, "No.... he could die....right.........now!"
"Me next," says the doctor.
I had a pretty good idea that they were betting on when I was going to die, and they confirmed as much later when... well, I'm getting ahead of myself.


This business started when I awoke this morning to a dense rain of toads falling from my bedroom ceiling. Some were urinating. M./ of course blamed me for this somehow... And these were not the toads you can get all stoned from, and god don't I know it... I licked them all and I can gaurantee you they enjoyed the experience a hell of a lot more than me -- horny bastards spewed on my toungue...

I tried to get up out of bed and noticed these welts all over me, and that when I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, they both broke into compound fractors that spewed blood across the white walls of me bedroom. I Sscreamed and screamed for help, and finally, during a a commercial break in M.'s favorite local news show, she came into the bedroom and asked me in a snide voice, "Are you trying to get out of walking the dog?" She always suspects me of subterfuge like this, so why should this time be any different, I suppose?

Then she kind of saw all the blood around my arms and got a concerned look and said, "You broke something of mine. Someting glass. Don't lie now, what was it?"

I passed out at that point, or she beat me unconscious, depending who you believe; my sanity requires that I go with passing out, though Mary Ann answer's on the topic have all been somewhat non- commital.


Then this pot belly pig floated in through the window of the hospital room, wearing a shiny velvet red vest, smiling broadly as he drifted up to the ceiling fan, reached out his rhoof, took ahold and alowwed himself to be spun around the room a few times and then let loose and shot back out into the sunny day from which he had come. As he receeded off into a robin egg sky filled with thin, wind whisked whisps of white, I distinctly saw the pig give us all what could only be described as a 'merry wink.'


That Night, I told myself, I am going to get myself a pot belly pig, and maybe never even eat the damn thing... and maybe even teach it to kill?


You can guess the rest, of course...

I AM NOW CURED OF ALL TEN DEADLY DISEASES THAT WERE TO KILL ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OUT...

Yes, My miraculous recovery will obviously be written up in many a medical journal.

I WOULD

BE SELFISH TO KEEP THIS KIND OF HEALING POWER TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I LIVE IN A HOLY ENVIRONMENT WHERE ALL ARTIFACTS ARE INFUSED WITH WHAT I CALL CRYSTAL JIZZ.


CRYSTAL JIZZ IS EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR CRYSTAL, BECAUSE IT CAN GROW INTO SUPER CRYSTAL WITH TEN MILLION TRILLION TIMES THE POWER OF OTHER CRYSTALS WHEN GESTATATED WITH THE OVUMS OF WOMAN FROM VENUS. I have been able to harnass these powerful, cosmic, jerry garcia energy flows of crystal jizz into a nice pendent of a pig that you just have to wear around your neck for like a week to learn more than Buddha ever dreamt of under his boddi. tree.

Trust me on this, alright? SEND FOR YOU CRYSTAL JIZZ before you die from one of the ten deadly diseases we are guaranteed to cure you of.



(list of actual diseases cured comes free with every 68. dollar order)THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.