I have been trying to get a part time job and having no success what so ever. M. finally convinced me to record one of my interviews and then go over it later to see if I did anything wrong. Below is the typed version.
"Hello, Mr. Pain. My name is Fantick Flitterbum, and I'll be interviewing you for the job today."
"Great, thank you. You know, you are very handsome man and it would be a pleasure working where I could just see you once in awhile. Not that I'm an ass angler or anything."
"Huh, well... thank you. Looking over your resume, I see that you were involved in umm, 'euthanizing small animals?' It says here that you worked out of your home. Uhm, where is the name of the company that you worked for?"
"Oh, it wasn't that kind of company. I did the euthanizing on my own, as kind of a public service. I've always taken an interest in killing things, you know? I mean, you got a cat in the basement, you send me down there with just a stapler... just a stapler, too, because anything more deadly really makes the fight a little uneven."
"I love cats myself."
"Oh, me, too. I love all animals. Except fucking wombats."
"My dad died at the hands of a wombat... and my younger brother was raped by one. You would think that would be enough, but no... then they framed me. That's why I was in jail from the age of four until twenty one. Oh, on the resume that's when I say I went to harvard and got all them degrees... which is technically true."
"Technically speaking, yes."
"Okay, tell me, do you have any experience working at a women's make up counter?"
"No, no... well, sometimes... well, okay, here is why I figured I could do this job, see? Once in awhile I dress up like my desceased great grandmother and pay prostitutes to masterbate with my cane. I have been told that I am just an artist with the make up. I pay them to say it, but the way they say it shows they really mean it. I also have them talk about my enormous penis.... well, monstrous really. I have pictures in my wallet, here... these have not been touched up in anyway, either."
"Mr. Pain, I really don't wish to know... could you please put those pictures away.... in fact, I'm going to have security escort you out."
"Hey, man, don't get all jelous. I could like do your girlfriend, too, man... though the looks of you, you're problem into some weird shit... that's cool, that's cool.... I say, if you don't get arrested for doing it, it can't be any fun right?"
Then these fuckers from Security kind of pushed me out the door.
I finish typing this up and feel like I was really burned. I mean, maybe I should not have brought up the whole 'monstrous penis' thing. M specificially told me not to mention the monstrous one in the interview. 'Do not bring up this supposedly 'monstrous' dick of yours." She said. But reading this through, I don't see anything wrong with this. It is probably the way I dressed. The punk shirts do get a cool reaction when I walk through the office to the interviews, though. Today I had one on that said, 'Fuck My Earwax. ' THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.