cancer is eating the eel in my head

ZOMBIE JESUS IS EATING THE EEL .....If ever a true life adventure was meant for the Hallowed Pages of The Reader's Digest Condensed Version, it's this day of mine -- which may even make it into the hardbound Best Of The Year Addition.At ten o clock this morning, I was diagnosed with no less than deadly highly deadly diseases. The pain was so intense that they shot me up with so much morphine that the diseases actually seemed worth it..I found out the grim reaper was standing in the corner of the emergency room where I was splayed out having some kind of tube shoved into my nostril. A shrew faced doctor with a pompous air whose taste in suites and ties amused his co-workers, broke the news to me in a loud, white emergency room. The youngish, earnest, bloody looking dude told me, "You should already be dead. With all of these ten deadly diseases, only a superhuman constitution could live this far...""Yes, yes..." I told him, "Tell me something I don't know?' I'm fucking Johnny Pain, alright?""And you don't do something about this shit, I am kicking every ass in here, man.... patients and all. Hell I'll do some of my own brand of surgery on your ass, boy!"Well, I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I.... this started before the hospital, the ambulance ride, the green jello... Odd day. M and I were awakened by a dense rain of toads falling dwon from the bedroom ceiling. Most, disgustingly enough, were urinating on the way down... M for some reason blamed me... She thought that i had the toads to get stoned on... They aren't the kind that you can get stoned on, though... and god don't I know it... I licked them all and I can pretty much gaurantee you that they enjoyed the experience a hell of a lot more than me .. the horny bastards spewed on my toungue. I tried to get up out of bed and noticed these welts all over me, and that when I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, they both broke into compound fractors that spewed blood across the white walls of me bedroom. I screamed and screamed for help, and finally, during a commercial break in M.'s favorite local news show, she came into the bedroom and asked me in a snide voice, "Are you trying to get out of walking the dog? Some people gotta work, art-boy." She always suspects me of subterfuge like this, so why should this time be any different, I suppose?Then she kind of saw all the blood around my arms and got a concerned look and said, "You broke something of mine. Someting glass. Don't lie now, what was it?"I may have passed out at that point, or she beat me unconscious, depending who you believe; sleeping in the same room with this woman and her knives kind of makes my sanity require that I go with passing out, though Mary Ann answer's on the topic have all been, well, somewhat non- commital.Then this pot belly pig floated in through the window of the hospital room, wearing a shiny, red velvet vest, smiling broadly as he drifted up to the ceiling fan, reached out his rhoof, took ahold and allowed himself to be spun around the room a few times and then let loose and shot back out into the robin egg sky from which he had come. As he receeded off into a robin egg sky filled with thin, wind whisked whisps of white, I distinctly saw the pig give us all what could only be described as a 'merry wink.' That Night, I reasearched all the ancient pig myths on the net, and though most of them turned out to be bestiality sites, there was one that told of pig named KLOPI who was taught to use some fundamental words, and seemed to have told a tale about a pig god that winks a log, and can fly. Thank god for Wiccapedia... when you really have to know the latest.You can guess the rest, of course... The next day, my doctors could not believe how good I looked. After about ten thousand tests, they were just amazed to find out that all of my ten deadly diseases were simply gone. Yes. I suspect aleins, but I ain't looking no gift horses in the mouth you know...I AM NOW CURED OF ALL TEN DEADLY DISEASES THAT WERE TO KILL ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OUT...Yes, My miraculous recovery will obviously be written up in many a medical journal.I WOULD BE SELFISH TO KEEP THIS KIND OF HEALING POWER TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I LIVE IN A HOLY ENVIRONMENT WHERE ALL ARTIFACTS ARE INFUSED WITH WHAT I CALL CRYSTAL JIZZ. CRYSTAL JIZZ IS EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR CRYSTAL, BECAUSE IT CAN GROW INTO SUPER CRYSTAL WITH TEN MILLION TRILLION TIMES THE POWER OF OTHER CRYSTALS WHEN GESTATATED WITH THE OVUMS OF WOMAN FROM VENUS. I have been able to harnass these powerful, cosmic, flows of crystal jizz into a nice pendent of a pig that you just have to wear around your neck for like a week to learn more than Buddha ever dreamt of under his boddi. tree. At 68.99 plus 34 dollars shipping and handling, Nirvana has never been cheaper!!!Trust me on this, alright? SEND FOR YOU CRYSTAL JIZZ before you die from one of the ten deadly diseases* we are guaranteed to cure you of.(Actual list of diseases cured is Confidential Company information).



. . . AND ZOMBIE JESUS IS EATING THE EEL .....This amazing human story is meant for the hallowed pages of the Reader's Digest condensed version if ever a true life tale of adventure was!!!!!!!! About ten o clock this morning, I was diagnosed with no less than ten deadly diseases. They shot me up with so much morphine that I believed all of the diseases were worth it, actually...I found out the grim reaper was standing in the corner of the emergency room where I was splayed out having some kind of tube shoved into my nostril. A shrew faced doctor with a pompous air whose taste in suites and ties amused his co-workers broke the news to me in a loud, white emergency room where I went in after starting to bleed from embarrassing places). The youngish, earnest, bloody looking dude told me, "You should already be dead. With all of these ten deadly diseases, only a superhuman constitution could live this far...""Yes, yes..." I told him, "Tell me something I don't know?' I'm fucking Johnny Pain, alright?""He could die right now?" Some intern added.Then a nurse was like, "No.... he could die....right.........now!""Me next," says the doctor. "Okay.... now!!!"I had a pretty good idea that they were betting on when I was going to die, and they confirmed as much later when... Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. This morning I was awakened by a dense rain of toads falling from my bedroom ceiling. Most were urinating. M./ of course blamed me for this somehow... And these were not the toads you can get all stoned from, and god don't I know it... I licked them all and I can gaurantee you they enjoyed the experience a hell of a lot more than me -- horny bastards spewed on my toungue... I tried to get up out of bed and noticed these welts all over me, and that when I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, they both broke into compound fractors that spewed blood across the white walls of me bedroom. I screamed and screamed for help, and finally, during a commercial break in M.'s favorite local news show (she won't dress until she knows the weather), she came into the bedroom and asked me in a snide voice, "Are you trying to get out of walking the dog? Some people gotta work, art-boy." She always suspects me of subterfuge like this, so why should this time be any different, I suppose?Then she kind of saw all the blood around my arms and got a concerned look and said, "You broke something of mine. Someting glass. Don't lie now, what was it?"I may have passed out at that point, or she beat me unconscious, depending who you believe; sleeping in the same room with this woman and her knives kind of makes my sanity requires that I go with passing out, though Mary Ann answer's on the topic have all been, well, somewhat non- commital.This grey and red and white speckled pot belly pig floated in through the window of the hospital room, pushed through the white curtains weary a shiny red velvet vest, smiling broadly as he drfted up to the ceiling fan, grabbed it with his hoof, spoun himself around in a circle and whipped back out into the sunny day from which he had come. He flew back up high over an apple tree, and then as he started to disappear in whisps of wind whisked white, he winked at me. The most merry wink.I felt better right away, which wasn't easy with all that morphine they were giving me for the pain of dying from ten of the deadliest diseases known to man (the kind you can pick up anywhere, even from anti-bacteria wipes). That night as I layed around really, really getting into this lawrence welk special, it came to that I would get me a pot belly pig and that I would be cured.Well, you can guess the rest. I woke up the next morning in perfect health. Those doctors had never seen anything like this before, but when I told them that I had been cured by natures healers, they pointed out that pot belly pigs alone could not have done this. Well, this made us look further, and of course that is when we discovered The Honorable KING OF PIGS, FLOGON SQUINTY ONE WITH MANY FLAPS OF FLAPPY, one of the few Pot Belly Pigs who will work on Humans. After what we have done to them, who can blame the little shits?Of course we have all of the proof of this in our brochure. You didn't think we would keep something this good to ourselves, did you? Hell No. We are going to save the whole damn world, people.YES!!!!!!!!!I AM NOW CURED OF ALL TEN DEADLY DISEASES THAT WERE TO KILL ME BEFORE THE NIGHT IS OUT...Yes, My miraculous recovery will obviously be written up in many a medical journal.I WOULD BE SELFISH TO KEEP THIS KIND OF HEALING POWER TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT I LIVE IN A HOLY ENVIRONMENT WHERE ALL ARTIFACTS ARE INFUSED WITH WHAT I CALL . . .CRYSTAL JIZZ, CRYSTAL JIZZ. THESE ARE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN REGULAR CRYSTAL, BECAUSE THEY CAN GROW INTO SUPER CRYSTAL WITH TEN MILLION TRILLION TIMES THE POWER OF OTHER CRYSTALS ... though only when GESTATATED WITH THE OVUMS OF WOMAN FROM VENUS, who have yet to be discovered. I have however been able to harnass these invisible crystal Jizz particles into a gold pendant of the KING OF PIGS, FLOGON SQUINTY ONE WITH MANY FLAPS OF FLAPPY. Where this powerful symbol of the runny snout for a week and you will learn more than Buddha dreamt of under his bodi tree. This little pig... he used to look like Piglet, but Disney wanted too much of a cut... anyways, umm, Hey, SEND FOR YOU CRYSTAL JIZZ before you die from one of the ten deadly diseases we are guaranteed to cure you of.*(Actual list of diseases cured BY CRYSTAL JIZZ is Confidential Company information).BECOME A DISTRIBUTOR OF CRYSTAL JIZZ AND SHIFTY VAC AND BE A MILLIONARE BY NEXT TUESDAY -- IF YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES, AND MOST DO!!! LET US BE SAINTS TOGETHER!!! Hey, sounds like a cult is in order. I am glad someone brought that up. Of course I would have to lead, since I have the loudest shouting voice.THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WRITINGS OF JOHN SCOTT RIDGWAY... YOU CAN EASILY GET PERMISSION FOR A NON COMMERCIAL REPRINT BY CONTACTING MY EMAIL.