The Mighty Hamster Army has had another false start, which means we are all in peril, let me tell you. Bush gets an army, and I should get to have one too.... I hate the thought of him sending young boys to assault the elf, because I will have to release the hamsters; .as of yet, they have never learned to actually draw blood, but there will be some scratches, and bites, let me tell ya.. war is hell, after all... or at least it will be, when I can find some way to keep a hamster army without them mysteriously disappearing....
Anyways, I once more had to go out and purchase some more hamsters, three to be exact (and thank you, I write sarcastically, you elf shits, for sending me all those hamsters... NOT!! When you come begging for protection at my door, it will be too late!). I named the little fuzzy killers Napoleon, Alexander the Great, and Attila the Hun.
They were something else, really coming along. I was having great success training them to crawl around on my shoulders, which is the first step in getting them to rip out the enemies jugulars with the needles I have sticking out of their little black boots.Yes, I had them nearly ready to lead a savage army of squealing hellions fighting for justice and a steady supply of weed. They were squealing marching songs (M. doesn't believe this, but then she doesn't think hamsters are dangerous, either, so you can see why I have to take her opinions with a grain of proverbial salt) and lining up quite nicely.
I did have to glue them to the Risk game board that I was using while showing them the most strategic manner to take over the world, because they do have a tendency, I am sad to say, toward desertion... This morning I woke up and played revelry on a kazoo (M. won't let me buy a trumpet because, get this, 'the damn things are loud enough to wake the dead--you can't do that at six in the morning!!' Yea, right, like all armies should stop playing revelry because of the 'neighbors.' Do you think our human soldiers in Iraq are worried about 'waking up the neighbors?').
I then went in to check on the troops. I knew something was amiss when I found their abandoned uniforms in their open cage. I went to great lengths to tailor their camouflage uniforms and tiny black boots with needles sticking out ... and to see them just laying there... well, I was ready to court martial somebody, let me tell you. But, once again, they had disappeared without a trace.Ruby the husky and my two cats, Buk and Yeats, refused to answer my repeated questions about the disappearance, maintained their cagey, old con silence... and I guess I got a little loud, because M. came running into the room trying to get me to be quiet. When I told her that the Hamsters were missing again, she actually just laughed and said; "I told you that hamsters were too tempting of a treat for the cats, not to mention that Ruby lived in the wild for a year and looks at them as lunch. Remember how she licked her lips when you brought them in? And the cats, they were mewing like they were asking for a treat. I told you to be careful with the lock on the cage, but I knew you'd get too stoned sometime and leave it open... "
She laughed all through this tirate. I don't know why I can't get through her thick skull the simple truth that we need a personal army to first protect us, and then to take over the helm of running the world and save the planet from the mindless industrialists. I guess she just doesn't have my intellect?Well, once more I am going to plead with you, dear elf shits, to send me hamsters. And let me also reiterate that I dead hamsters will do me no good. Whoever sent all those dead hamsters to me must have known that I would feed them to my pets, thus making them look at my army as food. My dog, I just thought of this!!! I guess I was asking for trouble when I revealed my plans on this website. .. More than likely, the CIA is worried about my having an army and sending me dead hamsters....I just went and told M. about the CIA sending me dead hamsters.
She was reading and just kind of went, "Yea, uh, huh..."
I sensed, with my highly advance people skills, that she wasn't interested when she told me,
"I am trying to read here."
I tried to get her away from her reading with a true fact I just figured out -- The CIA is not only sending me dead, stinky rodents in the mail, they are probably using one or more of the animals to sabotage my efforts to build a murderous army of mighty hamsters. She still feigned disinterest and ignored me... When I told her that torture is the only way to get the cats and dog to talk, she once again reiterated her stifling 'no torture' policy. I tried to explain to her that I would just be using the same techniques our government uses at Guatamano Prison and such, how the precedent had been set and... Well, she just read on... completely ignoring me, going on living in her little dream world where we are all safe without personal armies... what will it take to wake her up to reality? I don't know.Send me hamsters or the industrialists will kill this planet. It really is that simple, and absurd... and, maybe,futile... the world will die, just because you were too stoned and lazy to send hamsters .. you are almost as pathetic as me...