Jesus is Buff and has a blond crew cut
Hello readers of the Elves Attic, and welcome to my new weekly column, where I hope to spread em wide for Christ!! I am very proud to introduce myself as Gilford Tuttle, white Christian warrior, savior of all white fetuses and follower of the one and true, well muscled and white, short, blonde haired Jesus H. Christ.
I am known throughout the greater Fort Wayne area as the first lay minister to object to the long haired, hippyed out versions of our Teutonic Deity, Jesus H. Christ. I am proud to say that I have in the works a t-shirt, which will show Our Son Of God as he was, is, and always shall be â€“ with a short, blonde crew cut and a strong, manly physic. God is on our side, so we will destroy all the false images of Christ that show Him looking skinny and weak with the long, curling hair of a harlot.
A prophet at my church had a vision that Satan himself designed this demeaning view or Our lord and savior, and then inserted this blasphemous seed into homosexual artists by acts of sodomy. Yes, that prophet was me, too, though I donâ€™t like to say because this is bragging; I was not top of my class, but like they said at the mail order seminary school where I paid 87.45, my handwriting is legible (donâ€™t be afraid to look this word â€˜legibleâ€™ up â€“ I had to, and I am blessed by god, as my minister said, â€˜with the ability to say words to other peopleâ€™).
I wanted to use my first column here to make you aware of the Blonde, Buff Christ Almighty, who is said to have balls as big as mountains in heaven. In the course of the next few weeks, I am going to convert you. God has told me as much in my prayers, so this is written in stone. Letâ€™s start by me repeating something that really woke them up in the pews on the day when I said this during open testimonials. â€œMy Jesus is not a satanic, hippy, Jewish homosexual! No, not my Jesus.â€� This should be enough, I am told, to convert even the most devil riddled heathen, and that it does no speaks of the immense powers of the dark, skinny, long haired Satan!!!
Let me end this with the message that I had put on buttons to hand out to my Sunday school classes, and I urge you to do the same at your church (Jesus just told me that he will be very pissed if you donâ€™t): GOD WANTS YOU TO SAY NO TO HIPPY SATANIC JEWISH HOMOSEXUAL JESUS OR HE IS GOING TO LET SATAN PAINFULLY ASS FUCK YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.
Please go in peace,