NOT-SO-PRESIDENT PUSHED A NEW LAWTHROUGH CONGRESS LATE FRIDAY with unprecedented speed, so quickly that evidently no one voted on the bill except for Dick Cheney, who is claiming he can't speak about anything anymore because of what he tells reporters is, 'the power of plausible denial."
Democrats were out partying when the vote was taken and are feeling none too kind this morning as they line up, despite their holiday hangovers, to drink bloody mary's and roundly criticize the new law which they dubbed the, I AM NOT A WIMP, EITHER law.
At the signing in ceremony last night, reporters asked the not-so-pres. what the new law entailed.The president took on his trademark smug smirk, leaned forward on the podium and answered in a voice filled with conviction and even joy." I will from now on order the new head of all the fucking spies, okay, to have all the intelligence services and the armed forces at my command, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, to just kick whoever's ass I want them too. It's gonna be frigging cool."
An anonymous source in the administration had quite a bit to say why Bush put the law through:
"He really just wants to get revenge on anyone who ever did anything to him that he didn't like. And I do mean anything. And he kept these fucking lists, okay? His mom helped him, I guess. She did the same. He has a team of ex Navy Seals working around the clock getting even with people his mom hates alone, I guess... He doesn't always have good reasons, you know... There are people he hates for things like acting like characters he doesn't like -- and yes, more actors than you would guess die from just this right now.... You gotta remember, as a politician, he's had to suck everyone's ass all his life -- and this is what kept him going, this dream of his to become a second term president and then just fucking wreak revenge. He starts sweating and shaking when he talks about this and... well, humm, he becomes visably aroused -- you know, the little tent? I guess, he doesn't, you know, since the love making accident he had, slipping out and taking a nasty fall off some silk sheets... he refuses to allow anyone to speak of it. That's a capital offense at the moment, in fact. He snuck that one right by the press. Now, on this new campaign of his, he has teachers on there from his second grade in school on -- anyone who gave him a â€˜Câ€™ or less.... the list is just.... well, long, okay... He gets drunk once in awhile and lets other people add names, too. He's holding strategy meetings now with top co's from accross the country, generals, think tanks... has them all targeting his first waves of objectives -- anyone who picked on him when they were kids. I mean, we're talking about older men and women who don't even remember these incidents, and he has these agents just driving a fucking tank into their houses in the middle of the night, dragging them out in front of their neighbors and beating them to piss and trembles, you know? In fact, he is so serious that Bush is hiring private contracters, because he is afraid that government workers will 'slack off a lot ' and 'barely put anything into the punches.' When someone in the cabinet was foolish enough to point out to w. that he's a government worker, too, Bush at first tried to make it out like he knew that, then like he didn't give a shit about the dig, saying, "Hell, I do slack off a lot... if that's what you mean and of course that is what you mean... You know what, I don't need to throw any of my own goddamned punches, though, because I can afford fucking help. Like to meet the help?' Then he sicked these secret service guys on the cabinet member ... In fact, he ranted for awhile on how from now on, the government worked for him. Wasn't pretty. This is about when he started in on the malt liquor spiked with tequila, too; something he said was 'his daughters favorite waker upper.' That night, in some kind of midnite ceremony which Bush says is based on skull and bones, he made everyone do shots and beat off to really old porno with seventies disco tracks in the back ground. . . you would not believe how much of nasa's budget has been diverted to making masterbatory devices for this man... anyways, then we all went out into this tent set up on the white house lawn, where he had the guy who pissed him off at the meeting drawn and quartered by these four Budweiser horses. Guy squirted straight up for a change. To keep everything quite, we may or may not have been involved in all those tourists dying in washington that day. I mean, they all died, every single tourist that day... a sad coincidence... but... well, I got to save something for my fucking book, right? I mean, how else is a politician supposed to support his family when he goes to prison? Yea, and you can bet, if we had to kill everyone who was on vacation in washington that day. . . . that was a job. Jeez, the ones we might shoot in my book were really, just like the president said at the time, getting the better of the deal. See what I mean?"
Bush was later again confronted by reporters, this time outside of a well known DC barbecue eatery, where he walked out with his belt undone and the top button of his pants open, his shirt tail half out and covered in the same dark purple sauce that covered his face and suit and white shirt and tie. When asked by reporters, 'Isnâ€™t this law immoral and just plain a bad precedence? By the way, should one of your stature look so . . . common?"The not-so president responded, "Somebody say something? Because if somebody was to say something, I brought some ass kickers here with me today for emergency jobs? Somebody say something about this sauce? I am the fucking president!!! Yea, doggie!!! Look at ya stink weasel liberals to the bone... You know what, send your fastest fucking secret service agent back to that place and get me a me a bottle of that barbacue sauce and have every man here spread it on their faces, and if anyone fucking gives you a look, just one damn disrepectful look, you cap their asses... What is that? Silence? I guess the so called free press doesn't have shit to say to that, huh? Yea, I fucking didn't think so. That's right, you just better keep your damn French and other languages speaking pie holes shut. Now, where the fuck is that sauce, goddamn it ? That guy you sent is too fucking slow -- kill him when he gets back. And you better hope the next one runs faster when I need sauce like this, by god."
Bush was then seen going into a fast food restaurant, where he angrily stopped in the entryway and tore down a sign in the window saying, "No Public Restroom.' The enraged w .startled the teenage girls at the counter by waving the tattered sign in their faces and screaming, "You know, punks, I can take a goddamn shit on your head if I want to!!"When the teens started crying loudly, Bush reoportedly was reminded of his own daughters, and ordered a near by cabinet member to apologize to the kids.W then told the young women,"Hell, kids, I'll tell you what. I'll buy you some fucking beers, okay? In fact, close this place fucking down. In fact, tear this shit down. Yes, right fucking now. Light it up. Call in the goddamned national guard if you want, I don't give a damn. Disobey me and die, motherfuckers!!! Now, get that limo over here and me and these young lassses are going to drink some brewskis.... then we'll stop over at my kids place, do some bongs, whatever . . . I'm the most powerful mother fucker on the planet!!! Whhoooo, doggie, yeaaaaa!!!"
The teenager were seen being thrown out of the limo's window just a block away. While waiting for an ambulance, the one who could speak told reporters," He was only being nice, he said, because thought we had weed... when we didn't, he told this guy, 'toss em, just toss their asses."
Penguins on the scene refused to comment, despite questioning by curious reporters trying to get to the bottom of the appearance of thousands of penguins in washington, dc. Ignoring even the most doggedly badgerous, the penguins merely stood around in shadowed doorways displaying bad posture, smoking, and looking bitter . . . very, very bitter...
Puffins were more forth coming with their views, but when they tried to talk to reporters secret service agents were sent in to stomp them to death.